~ so are the rumors true?
/ i haven't hear the rumors
~ did you go to the strip club with out me?
/ ?
~ what i said
/ P and G went fri night. i wanted to 2 b up 4 it but i wasn't
~ so you didn't go in ABQ
/ i went to TD's 4 a beer n a lap dance when i dropped u off. u can't get in to TD's. i still want to go 2 fantasyworld with you n maybe B.
~ you creepy
time passes i didn't read the lapdance bit at first. then when i did i couldn't hold off any longer.
~ wait you got a lapdance too
/ sigh. shall we compare indiscretions
~ are you longing for a fight?
/ i didn't start this
~ tonight or in general?
/ pretty much
~ ?
/ i'm an innocent bystander here 2night
~ do you believe yourself?
/ here i was minding my own
~ sorry i won't bother you any more
/ u can be like that but wasn't me looking 2 fight or calling names
~ i just think it's a little tacky that you dropped me off at the airport and then got a lapdance.
/ that's exactly the point. i did it to 2 be tacky. i was having a laugh @ m'self and excuse me if u and th self righteous busy bodies don't find me funny.
~ are you going to be there tomorrow?
/ i may be in and out
~ i hope the rest of your secrets keep you warm
/ kisses 2 u 2
~ do you think it's working?
/ please clarify 'it'
~ the tough guy act
/ tough guys can cry
~ it's transparent. maybe i'm wrong maybe it's all you ever wished for
/ i don't think so. in my fantasies yr nice to me
~ you should have tried harder. when did you start to think i looked good on the back burner?
/ was that a nice way of saying yr full of it?
~ you full of it, yes.
time lingers
~ cat got your tongue?
/ yr too damn angry. i'm not as guilty as you are angry. and i said i was sorry anyway
~ having to beg for it for nine months. hmmm yea it makes me angry. and i said i was sorry anyway? sorry for making me feel like a slut anytime i got any?
ACT II
/ there is no one in there world that is anything like me. u r my very favorite person but i will forget u exist b 4 i let myself feel less than special b/c of u.
~ you treated me like fucking dirt. i should have left before you made me forget how special i was
/ i never treated you like dirt. u don't know dirt. keep digging y'll find it. u don't seem to understand :
NEWNESS ALWAYS FADES
~ you helped a lot i wish you hadn't
/ you got it exactly backwards, chief. it's not me saying i was a prince instead of a toad. i just won't lay down and let you u make everything my fault
~ it's not all your fault. i should have never let you make me feel this way
/ i didn't 'make' you feel anyway yr in a very unstable condition i think due 2 a combination of factors and yr reacting with out trying to find your center
~ J, my center is that i'm 19 i should be having as much sex as i want.
i was trying to explain that you didn't
/ i've not attempted 2 stop u; so quit going crazy on me. u could be having sex w/ me instead of yelling @ me.
i never did not want u, u daft cunt.
i I WANT YOU RIGHT NOW! I WANT U IN MY LIFE 4EVER but if u don't want that 2 then i want u never 2 have been born.
hours pass
~ i'm not looking for something new i'm looking for myself.
/ i hope u find u. i knew you once and u were so sweet.
~ i still am.
/ how would u know? u don't know where u left u
~ excuse me?
/ yeah so much 4 my sense of humor
ACT III
the rest of act three is missing, i wish it wasn't.
i can always par a phrase tho. . .
there was talk of wishing to have snow filled walks. talking to the great sprit. realizing he'd lose the fight before he started fighting. i asked if he meant fighting for me or with me. he said that once he realized he should have held me tighter i was already gone. he went on to say that the past five years were lost, not one memory untainted. that the future was clear and empty. i wanted to let him that i was leaving him and i even i didn't feel that fatalistic about it; but i didn't.
/ i know, i drove u off by not loving u right. that doesn't make me feel any better about losing you somehow
ACT IV
~ so you shaved your head
/ no, i got P to do it for me
~ o i c
time passed
~ could you pick on word to describe your feelings for me?
/ easy: love
(boys never ask you things back)
~ that's not what you would have said a few days ago, i feel
/ i think you u under estimate th scope of that word for me. it's a lot like 'fuck'; it encompasses th highest and lowest feelings. sometimes both at once.
~ which end at the moment? or in the middle
/ @ the moment i'm clam again. i'm not happy @ th place we have come to. and contrary 2 what u might have gotten from previous txts, i don't only blame you.
~ it makes me sad that you shaved your head. lapdance + head shaving feel like ultimate fuck you serena.
/ i haven't thought about life expect wi u in a very long time. frankly, it's an ugly, vile prospect 2 me.
i don't want 2 have 2 try again 2 love someone else and fail again because i always will. so, we all have something 2 feel bad about.
~ i feel like people fail to love me the right way in the long run.
/ i think that can b true, if u believe it. u think i'm full of shit but i strongly believe we'll end up in th world me make 4 ourselves
( what does that mean for you, J ? )
~ no i agree with you. that's why i have to change the world i'm living in. i've never had such low self esteem as i have recently. if you and i are might (meant) to be it
will happen. but i'm not going to sit around hating myself waiting for us not to be broken.
/ i feel like i'm @ th end of th world. th anger i have towards u is useless and stupid but i hung everything good on th line between u and i and when it snapped
it left me with nothing nice inside
i feel dead above th stomach and everything underneath is just shit.
anyway i try 2 frame it bends across as purest melodrama, but it's a really bad way 2 feel.
guess we're done talking about feelings 4 now. but i want u 2 know th hair wasn't only 4 u. it's a sign on my head saying
' i'm hurt n i'm pissed so u should back th fuck up'. it works too. i've only gotten negative reactions so far which is great by me.
~ good for you.
time passes, just a little bit.
~ i re read what you wrote to me. it's similar to the way i've felt for months now.
/ yeah. i guess fair is fair.
~ i'm not trying to be nasty i'm trying to explain how i've felt the part (past) few months
/ i know. i miss u like a limb. th only thing worse is thinking about getting over it n moving on. i hate th world
~ who knows that act IV will bring
/ surely not i. i should learn 2 interpret th tarot.
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