Awkward Skin

days blur together

red into yellow giving way to purples

and dark skies above

cold on my tongue and sex noises from behind the door

yellow and flowers covering up the hole in my heart

where i use to lay my head

to much information floating through my head

is this normal? do people feel this way?

look at you and blink everything stays the same

my hair grows a little longer

sometimes i think i'm falling in love with you

but the feelings drift away

like boats into the sea

on a cloudy day

some times i look like a hipster swallowed me up

i can push my hair behind my ears, its been so long

and i wonder why melancholy looks so attractive from the outside

there's this bright patch of red from where i look out on this lonely street

i wish i could read you, but i can't

complications and cold sweats

i've spent so much time here and so little of it during the day

how many weeks have i spent inside this box

thinking, humming to myself

i like my tea too sweet

and my boys cold and distant

but secretive and hurt on the inside

am i tightrope walking and i don't even know it

has it happened and i don't even know it

i wonder what the lights look like all light up at night

i can't feel this way

what a funny shape your face has turned into

someone you don't know looking back at you in the mirror

and that door still doesn't want to close

i try to imagine everything like it's the first time i've ever seen it before

Coming Home to You On a Cold Day

dreaming of sailboats and tea,

a little place near the sea.

we'll ride our bicycles

and it will always be a little to cold without a sweater.

i'll write and you'll write in our different corners

come together and eat toast with butter

stew in the fall and sandwiches in the summer

with sand in them

holding hands and walking

resting against tall trees years older than we will become

we'll be poor but happy

we'll miss the sunsets here but watch the billowing smoke from ships at night

fires and bourbon at night

secret hiding holes

and walking alone rolling hills

its cold out

the killing in me is the killer in you

i lose a little more skin i grow a little older

i smoke a little more

i drink a little more

sometimes it feels to right to be melancholy

i found an old video

you told me you were crazy about me

and all i can think about is that soon even if you wanted to come see me you couldn't

i waiting for you the way you waited for me

everything i am i wrapped up in smoke and mirrors

even if i showed you how awful i was you wouldn't listen you wouldn't see

From No Surprises to Flyin' on Your Motorcycle

radio head doesn't write love songs, but they all sound like love songs to me

i fear the sun coming up and me with it

i know it will pass but right now i have nothing to live for

i know you all told me so

i wonder what form of torture i should take on myself

what new scar i want

then i twist my ankle and remember how stupid pain is

i'm surrounding myself in it

my computer likes to over heat

you've gone back up into the clouds

and i'm going to have to learn to be alone with myself

why do i have to hate myself so much

who pre decided this and didn't clue me in?

i have so many blogs i don't know what to do with myself

i've made a ruin of the life i had

thought i wanted freedom

will you ever forgive me?

will i ever forgive myself?

you want me to apologize for something that isn't. . .

sex and love just don't mix in my world

you'll never understand that

so i'm sorry i hurt you

the crush has subsided

and all i think about september orange moons

and our breath on each others lips

you gave me a millions chances and i squandered all of them

but the leaves with fall and i'll drift down the river

hoping to be reborn in the ice of your heart

i wonder what's wrong with Thom Yorke's eye

Imogen Heap on the radio makes me cry

and i look out on myself

sitting on that balcony smoking

looking up at the stars

so far away from here

dressed in white and laughing at my self now

dinner parties and wine

and i'll want to be back here

why am i so broken god?

what did i do to deserve this

silence

i could throw everything away

i like acoustic music, what's up with that?

constellation prize

there's love there, it's just young and shy

and it's what i need but not what i want

i don't care if it hurts

i wanna have control

the sea laps over our legs as you hold me tight

i'll never forget how cold my feet were

something was racing thro our minds that night

what? maybe i'll never know

maybe we're meant to be on and off again

but then, i've ruined everything for now

it's fall outside my window

ever motorcycle i hear is you, every passing car beyond the gate

soon you'll be gone,

there's something i forgot to tell you

when i said i thought maybe we'd go and i'd stay and then we'd part ways

remember that?

that hasn't been true in a long time

i thought that this would come will relief sometimes

but maybe everyone knows me better than myself

Oh it's the best thing that you've ever had

The best thing that you've ever, ever had

It's the best thing that you've ever had

The best thing you've had has gone away

I'm ok most days. . .

sometimes i'm a little sad

thinking about your warm apartment

laying still with my underwear still on

nothing to hide as you draw skulls over my face

i don't miss it at all

only in quiet moments like this

i want you to run your fingers over my back

kiss the spine of my neck and tell me all your secrets

but maybe it's better if you don't

smiling at you and we're really getting somewhere

it's just something we have to do, i know it's not fun, but in some ways

it's the last step or at least we're getting there

cross the waves and my back is killing me it's almost day light

and she's soft on my mind

this world i'll never be a part of

i telling you of my love, as we talk about angels and past lives

making up these memories, as true as daylight

as false as my sense of humor

curling up my toes while we're having sex and like i said we're really getting somewhere

and yet i still dream of that flood gate opening and kisses on the back of my neck

while your curl up behind me, soft and admitting

nothing

she walks out onto the patio and i follow her

the lemonade in my hand

there's a soft breeze and as she turns to me her hair waves hello

her eyes tell me she's been waiting for me

i shake my head and look out the window at my lone street light

keeping me up at night. . .

minor key and paint across everything, valenica and a hammock, wishing that day could last forever

i was close to you and something was, almost there. . .

the wind blows across my room, my nipples have been hard all week

and i wonder where this little bit of loneliness creeps in from

धूमावती

my life has become a boring mirage of the same day flowing in and out of it's self

to cold to move to lonely to speak

listening to the same music on repeat

and some bill hicks

i'm a liar by the way

soak everything in bleach and listen to the neighbors having sex thro the wall

thinking that i'm a pervert and my brother from another mother is a mess

but at least he's alive

unlike me

waiting to get eaten by falcons in the snow

blood on that pure white

and i never understood snow white anyways

frozen to the bone wondering who died and made me the selfish giant

winter, forever

my heart as cold at the crystal snow

i feed the sparrows as my hair turns grey and i plant lupins over your grave

or at least that's what i've been calling in the past few decades

all memories lost of the love that once was

grew like ivy

spreading like wild fire

it couldn't be held back

but now, another person another husband i buried long along

with sex shops and endless rain and mexican stand off

i'm sorry sometimes he loves me and not you

but then again i'm a liar

and the curse

tap the keys note by note but i don't know what i'm doing walk down the hill to the lake

where i dreamt of being a mermaid locked in that sweet smelling grass

and our kitchen was white and cold

but i knew that could never happen

and low and behold i was right

but again i'm a liar

screaming in my dreams at you

feel weak and confused around you, always and never

why do we look at each other like that

can he feel it to?

it's wrong, my heart is fooled

and teary eyes confuse me

is it worth this, over and done with that one breakfast

breaking point and i was so tired as you held me

weeping, lonely and pathetic

sobbing over the same old lie i tell myself every day

i can't fall in love

i don't deserve to be loved

i've ruined everyone

grey hair and swollen eyes

but you know sometimes i'm a liar

foods lost a meaning

nothing that fades away as i look thro the maps, i need to dust again and the children don't come near

they think i'm witch

and who knows

quiet and cold

solitaire for life

and i can see her bowls all over the floor the blood and the mess and my grinning face

i did it once i can do it again

crash my bicycle on the way to my wedding

and brothels filled with the new girl of your dream

he just wants his life back or at least that's what he told me

i promised him tomorrow would be different

and it was

liar?

but it's time to put all these silly walks thro imaginary lives behind me

and look up facing

the fact that you didn't want me

but you had me

that i was the love of you life

and never will be again (liar)

that you love me

and i'll never love you unless i decide to

that i'll have always scared you the deepest

that we will never be close

that i will always hate you, even after your gone

unless i decide not to

that i'll never kiss your lips

well maybe

you'll never know i wanted to save you

i'll never sing beautifully for anyone else but you

i'll never be skinny

i'll never trust you

i'll never love myself

unless

liar

Never to be Seen Again

backed up in boiling hate and rage

gonna burn up with no where to go but down

rock bottom

passing by the fish kissing her lips salty

with love and past lives in her eyes

drowned at twenty two

and the way you feel against my arms

pushing against the future and the now

it's all the same

same same same

the same space as you

as lightning flickers and it's all gone to shit

the final play offs and you know nothing

your the king of cowards on the tight rope

high in the sky

never looking down never looking away

the way it's meant to be ask me again in a year

like i said it all the same

never forgotten always the same

left alone to play with legos

and snow hits the ground

and me curled up in the blood

they always say the same thing

i can't believe it

and how hard i cried when i found out

winner on top seeing nothing wrong

as the cover passes from your eyes and left in the bomb field

undiscovered territory once know as

your heart

now a wasteland

filled with half naked bodies and shrapnel

you mean nothing to me

just like i mean nothing to myself

devoid of love torn and raped

knowing there's nothing i can hide

masks and torn up lips

that look i once knew how to give

mixed up in vizcaya

it's all gone to shit

it's all fucked

when i go away i'll go away for a long long time

don't be sad don't miss me

know that i'll be back one day, but you might not know it's me

the beggar, the saviour

tap out, take drugs, lay around all day and dream

theses are the things i want the things i've dreamt of

when you're still playing your games i'll be a millions miles from earth

casting off tears into space and maybe just maybe if i'm lucky

they'll freeze and float down to you

even if your in berlin, or paris, santa fe or tokyo

my perfect six sided tear drop will hit your cheek

and for a moment

just a moment

you'll smell me

and you'll know i'm back

ō-fēl'yə

and with that she threw the book into the ocean

and floated away, never to be spoken of again

down that spiral stair case

when you once pushed her in love

you were young then

locked in the bathroom breathing heavily

into the face of words and letters meanings unknown

and they took you to therapy

scared to listen to you

always to afraid to show the love

it's since winter

endless as i wonder thro the giant's secret garden

were you once kissed me

but i was young then

like we all once were

ribbons in my hair and the taste of her sweet on your brow

i was strong then, knowing you truth from your lies

it's the first time, replicants and chosen memories

break down on the stairs broken legs underneath all that hate

it was all so hard, and you prayed we wouldn't turn our hate on each other

we sing in our different broken octaves

caress your hair and you pretend not to notice

wondering what it would feel like to reach out and touch his hand

watch everyone drive by, looking over your useless belongings

could be back, on that lonely day walking thro the crap apple blossoms

wishing you were close to me, but there's a place for us

i thought i was gonna die

but i didn't and here i am

still and torn up with egg on my face and hate in my heart

i'd try to give it to anyone else, but it wouldn't be fair

it's always been for me

i had you even tricked, didn't want you to leave me

just like everyone had before

but then you went away and didn't even say goodbye

drive me to the dump throw me over into the rumble

i'm nothing but broken bones and tangled up love

Call From Q at Chapel

Chapel Perilous

"Everything is complicated," wrote poet Wallace Stevens. "If that were not so, life and poetry and everything else would be a bore." I hope you will choose his wisdom to serve as your guiding light in the coming weeks. It is high time, in my astrological opinion, for you to shed any resentment you might feel for the fact that life is a crazy tangle of mystifying and interesting stories. Celebrate it, Aries! Revel in it. Fall down on your knees and give holy thanks for it. And by the way, here's a big secret: To the extent that you do glory in the complications, the complications will enlighten you, amuse you, and enrich you.

. . .stop haunting me now. . .

For winter's rains and ruins are over,
And all the seasons of snows and sins;
The days dividing lover and lover,
The light that loses, the night that wins;
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins.

-Algernon Charles Swinburne

hug from a distance...

Hi...
I was glad to see you last night however brief.
I'm sorry to hear that your time in Santa Monica was not good...
I read some rubberjellyfish today just to see what's up if there's anything and see that the boat is still leaking...
I'm sorry...
All I can do is hug you and love you from a distance...

I.(t) could be sweet

sweet soft honey thro the open curtains of your living room

did you really want?

lost looking into your eyes of perfect hazel

is anyone still reading this?

close your eyes look away

this is not that man you seek the boys put up on pedestals

lonely puppy eyes thro the windows that mark your heart

fearing the fading of the music in the distance night

so close i can taste it so far away i can hear it

looking for myself in the empty crowd

lost and lonely out at sea with nothing more than my compass heart to guide me

no body loves me

not like you do

roll your number over my tongue flip my phone closed

your not who i'm thinking i am

sacred hearts on your arms and now your all grown up

isn't it interesting the way that time shifts and folds things

makes the impossible possible

and then. . .

not again

little mood music for you

my house of nails speaks to me

whispers things you can only imagine in your head

wishing i could check into the chelsea hotel

staying one night or two

just one

the disheveled map up in the air, the fading light, the place where the grass once went

and the time you tell me it's all to loud and you can't hear yourself anymore

tomato paste and missing photographs

kitten chewed flowers and shaking hands in the middle of the night

no one can see inside your view

wonder if that's how it was supposed to go, all along

what is this magic potion the wizard of good and evil carries for you in his pouch

why do you think you need it so

what do you lust after if only to lust

and why are you boots in my room

that i've been wondering for days now

locked up and playing hide and seek inside my veins

walk me thro the graveyard

funeral procession of lilies and your first name

my hands grown cold, licking the paint off your eyes

once envied now scorned

i don't want to hurt you

guilty cracking my knuckles at you

she's just can't fill that role in my heart

like playing your music to loud, or moping in your room

it's soft and gentle making you go thro all the motions

late, and soon after

licking the sweat out of your eyes

sucking dick and never getting head

couch.

whiskey dick

and i don't wanna lose what . . .

last time your leaving

black and white and a month

a fucking month

god what am i gonna do

try a little harder

it could be sweet

teardrops in my penny loafers

and it never works the way you think it's going to

easier, harder i need another drink

all these memories wrapped in paper waiting to be untied for the jaded tree

where they vacation and it never happens

locked in the dollhouse of your soul

that beautiful redhead, who got away

and then the night, you get the phone call and the

wait, it will be all over

lost again in the blink of an hour glass

lost, how many times can you say it till isn't true against the pale blue sky

i find myself falling in love, in little ways with strangers that aren't that strange

passing and leaving trains to my heart, dead stop and watching the clock tick slowly by

in my lovely lonely little world i've built all for my lonesome

i tell you not to worry i tell myself not to fret

i tell you not to forget but you already have

long from the start

crap apple blossoms

and mac

beautiful women pouring over garden leafs

i thought i was gonna die in the loneliness i took over in my life

burn marks and new boys

poisoning myself to sleep

cause i'm still feeling lonely

and then it stops

and i'm left all alone

The Knight's Dream

pour over my tarot book

pour over my heart slashed and torn

in the chapel of good and evil

blood splats over your temple

a shrine to your sleeping babe a knight

sleeping in then forest as the fire rages in the lions belly

waiting for the dragon to emerge full in form and beauty

ascending from the water down on your head with fire

hair piles high in the witches cauldron

light shafts cutting rainbows thro the room

awaken he finds his sword gone

replaced with seed pods filled with nymphs and angels

blonde again and bored already

lemon crests and the city lights alone at night

yourself alone and looking out onto the world below

sparkling with mystery and bitter familiarity

. . .the boat is leaking. . .

i'm sick of everyone's bullshit including my own

watching fools falling into each other left and right

sleeping in my own cold bed weathered by all the lovers who have pasted thro it jett, ethan, kyle, kit,

maybe a timmy in there somewhere

jon

we weren't good from the start wearing your coat covered in cinnamon

watching the coldness of the world thro the bars on my window

wishing i could lean out with butterfly wings and smoke my youth away

getting fat and bitter

thorns pushed underneath my figure nails

what happened that i can't remember?

don't want to talk about

can you feel the february taking hold of my soul breathing in and out for me

crystals on my eyelash and another boy down the well

you say it feels like i've got one foot out the door even if i don't know it

sometimes i wanna tell you to run for your life, far away from me

if i had the guts i'd dump you

set you free from this embrace

turn away in the cold, all those lonely nights without me

maybe you like it that way

to afraid to tell me

put the cowboy junkies on and dream myself to sleep

feeling weak and spineless caught up in lost in translation

i'm babbling like an idiot, always one step ahead of myself

bored of being the arch angel

sinful by night, holy by day

pink comforters and floating dogs

i won't be a famous anything, wont have kids just drift away into a nothingness

passing by fairies on the stream bank, woven baskets and being far away from you

playing in the mud

22 and i look back wondering what i've been doing the past two years

the lunar new year in on valentines day this year

letters lose their meaning as my heart drifts out to look for drowning sailors

mistaken love beats in shark infested water

nothing but hunger inside my bones licking the blood from your hands

spikes thro your hands

moon sets orange and wanting you to hold me

who are we if not lovers?

why are we doing this if there's someone else out there?

sometimes i feel like i put a spell on you that night we took the loop past the sleeping city

go back in time and do it all differently

i would have slapped you

it was a mistake

you tell me how hard you would fight for me

listen to it on repeat

moaning to myself in the park just another time another fix

mixed out into the plane sight where the bunnies get married under the moon light

i loved friday tea hot chocolate and some little gifts. . .

i never wanted to go home from florida

don't worry my drinking habit will return

brittle skin leaving way for death to enter in thro the cracks of ourselves

i day dream about being a heroin junkie accept vomiting and melt into the nothingness of it all

maybe i like longing for you, i've been doing it for so long it seems like second nature.

Honky Tonk Angels

alone again walking the waterside staring into the rolling ocean calling me out to swim but i'm to afraid just like i can't write and i can't love you. you upset me, but i doubt you'll ever know. staying up late, worrying you'll frighten me over my shoulder you knew you did a bad but you didn't care and he asks why you'd draw attention to yourself like that. leaning up close against you dancing in the soft old light half way drunk half way dreaming. wondering what it was that i saw in you. spineless and weak just like my father under my feet like St. Michael. as the ghosts loom in and out of me. being somewhere else while your playing and yes i know what you meant and yes all signs point to a no. but i'm throwing it to the wind like your ashes doing whatever i want. kiss her good night for me that sweet sent on your lips next time we meet, looking at the other one. who looks like a stranger once my lover. light up a cigarette and walk thro your old room, record at the end and when will my time come to go? fading away from me distancing myself from you. it seems like the wrong thing but you don't know what else to go. your valentine is sitting on the kitchen table next to the lemons. wonder if i'll be sitting all alone watching us on screen black and white. sticky figures and the way i feel home in bed with you. and where are you tonight? but it's over and i'm washing up on the shore right where i left myself. hating you loving you. making love and hate under the ocean sky. my one regret is casting that spell the taste of my words on my lips, cold and hard from the start, never wanting you to touch me. distance lingering in the hallway tidy whities and lonely ice cube nights of restless sleep. sinks full of books and all that went down in that bathroom. i feel so isolated. lonely. can't talk to anyone, know one will understand, lonesome aching in my heart that's now just like a warm winter glow. this girl i see, grown so unfamiliar. morning glories pressed up against the frosted windows. mango's and pumpernickel, tomatoes gone off. and that night you drove 60 miles a little to drunk. i wanted to be her, or so i thought. writing about the ice queen and for-longed love. my writing was shit, some things never change. go down to that dusty old bar, cowboy boots and wild turkey on the table tops. looking for love in the dusty corner of lonesome cowboy no where, this is the scene inside my little heart. blue and icy just like i imagined her's. cold rooms with sheets hanging smoke hanging out of my mouth naked and cold against the air of my future me. looking all eaten up by life with nothing left to offer but a little bit of skin, pale and tattered. a siren with a broken voice, is that all the love you had for me? i'll just pretend her voice is mine in the middle of the night headphones strapped to my head.