धूमावती

my life has become a boring mirage of the same day flowing in and out of it's self

to cold to move to lonely to speak

listening to the same music on repeat

and some bill hicks

i'm a liar by the way

soak everything in bleach and listen to the neighbors having sex thro the wall

thinking that i'm a pervert and my brother from another mother is a mess

but at least he's alive

unlike me

waiting to get eaten by falcons in the snow

blood on that pure white

and i never understood snow white anyways

frozen to the bone wondering who died and made me the selfish giant

winter, forever

my heart as cold at the crystal snow

i feed the sparrows as my hair turns grey and i plant lupins over your grave

or at least that's what i've been calling in the past few decades

all memories lost of the love that once was

grew like ivy

spreading like wild fire

it couldn't be held back

but now, another person another husband i buried long along

with sex shops and endless rain and mexican stand off

i'm sorry sometimes he loves me and not you

but then again i'm a liar

and the curse

tap the keys note by note but i don't know what i'm doing walk down the hill to the lake

where i dreamt of being a mermaid locked in that sweet smelling grass

and our kitchen was white and cold

but i knew that could never happen

and low and behold i was right

but again i'm a liar

screaming in my dreams at you

feel weak and confused around you, always and never

why do we look at each other like that

can he feel it to?

it's wrong, my heart is fooled

and teary eyes confuse me

is it worth this, over and done with that one breakfast

breaking point and i was so tired as you held me

weeping, lonely and pathetic

sobbing over the same old lie i tell myself every day

i can't fall in love

i don't deserve to be loved

i've ruined everyone

grey hair and swollen eyes

but you know sometimes i'm a liar

foods lost a meaning

nothing that fades away as i look thro the maps, i need to dust again and the children don't come near

they think i'm witch

and who knows

quiet and cold

solitaire for life

and i can see her bowls all over the floor the blood and the mess and my grinning face

i did it once i can do it again

crash my bicycle on the way to my wedding

and brothels filled with the new girl of your dream

he just wants his life back or at least that's what he told me

i promised him tomorrow would be different

and it was

liar?

but it's time to put all these silly walks thro imaginary lives behind me

and look up facing

the fact that you didn't want me

but you had me

that i was the love of you life

and never will be again (liar)

that you love me

and i'll never love you unless i decide to

that i'll have always scared you the deepest

that we will never be close

that i will always hate you, even after your gone

unless i decide not to

that i'll never kiss your lips

well maybe

you'll never know i wanted to save you

i'll never sing beautifully for anyone else but you

i'll never be skinny

i'll never trust you

i'll never love myself

unless

liar

Never to be Seen Again

backed up in boiling hate and rage

gonna burn up with no where to go but down

rock bottom

passing by the fish kissing her lips salty

with love and past lives in her eyes

drowned at twenty two

and the way you feel against my arms

pushing against the future and the now

it's all the same

same same same

the same space as you

as lightning flickers and it's all gone to shit

the final play offs and you know nothing

your the king of cowards on the tight rope

high in the sky

never looking down never looking away

the way it's meant to be ask me again in a year

like i said it all the same

never forgotten always the same

left alone to play with legos

and snow hits the ground

and me curled up in the blood

they always say the same thing

i can't believe it

and how hard i cried when i found out

winner on top seeing nothing wrong

as the cover passes from your eyes and left in the bomb field

undiscovered territory once know as

your heart

now a wasteland

filled with half naked bodies and shrapnel

you mean nothing to me

just like i mean nothing to myself

devoid of love torn and raped

knowing there's nothing i can hide

masks and torn up lips

that look i once knew how to give

mixed up in vizcaya

it's all gone to shit

it's all fucked

when i go away i'll go away for a long long time

don't be sad don't miss me

know that i'll be back one day, but you might not know it's me

the beggar, the saviour

tap out, take drugs, lay around all day and dream

theses are the things i want the things i've dreamt of

when you're still playing your games i'll be a millions miles from earth

casting off tears into space and maybe just maybe if i'm lucky

they'll freeze and float down to you

even if your in berlin, or paris, santa fe or tokyo

my perfect six sided tear drop will hit your cheek

and for a moment

just a moment

you'll smell me

and you'll know i'm back

ō-fēl'yə

and with that she threw the book into the ocean

and floated away, never to be spoken of again

down that spiral stair case

when you once pushed her in love

you were young then

locked in the bathroom breathing heavily

into the face of words and letters meanings unknown

and they took you to therapy

scared to listen to you

always to afraid to show the love

it's since winter

endless as i wonder thro the giant's secret garden

were you once kissed me

but i was young then

like we all once were

ribbons in my hair and the taste of her sweet on your brow

i was strong then, knowing you truth from your lies

it's the first time, replicants and chosen memories

break down on the stairs broken legs underneath all that hate

it was all so hard, and you prayed we wouldn't turn our hate on each other

we sing in our different broken octaves

caress your hair and you pretend not to notice

wondering what it would feel like to reach out and touch his hand

watch everyone drive by, looking over your useless belongings

could be back, on that lonely day walking thro the crap apple blossoms

wishing you were close to me, but there's a place for us

i thought i was gonna die

but i didn't and here i am

still and torn up with egg on my face and hate in my heart

i'd try to give it to anyone else, but it wouldn't be fair

it's always been for me

i had you even tricked, didn't want you to leave me

just like everyone had before

but then you went away and didn't even say goodbye

drive me to the dump throw me over into the rumble

i'm nothing but broken bones and tangled up love

Call From Q at Chapel