my sources say: have you considered knitting?

i'd rather be depressed than feel the way i'm feeling. losing my mind. i'm not happy and i'm not sad. but i not okay. i'm obessing. so badly that whatever comes of my obsession will not be what i desire. have you ever gone thro getting rejected before the person actually said yes or no? so do you ignore the 17 year old boy to get his attention? sigh.

garbage.

can i press the forward button and skip this one? it's not worth my time and energy. i fall asleep and dream wondering if you'll send me a message in my sleep. again it has nothing to do with you. i'm wishing for someone i can never have. i'm repeating myself. i wanna lose control and be taken over by this old familiar song. lose power and go in the ocean i can't believe that i didn't go in the ocean. you couldn't even pick me up right, you fucking loser. i never deserved this shit you've put me thro. you fucking asshole. i got exactly what i asked for, i wanted someone to hate and now it's your lucky day. cause i kinda hate you and your little dog too. i can't hate you, you rebound fuck. the only ones i don't have hate for are the one night stands; the ones that just lost interest. just like i did. men lose interested so much more quickly than i do. they move on where as i move up. sunrise as the waves are crashing, i'm riding my bike, or falling sleep. pam and daniel's bathroom smells like febuary. and i still love you, don't worry, i'll always love you. i wanna play something. make music have a voice and be someone you would want. the only thing black and white i tap is letters, and numbers. i could never write lyrics. just wouldn't suit me. will you throw me out when it gets cold. will you still feed me when i'm 64. i hate how close you got to me, the real me and i wanna let someone in full force,. let them get more than you ever got. i want the fickle little bitch romance, something i never got in high school. never say i never. and you fucking lair you loved ever fucking last bit of it. you fucking piece of lying fucking shit. ha! i just typed that to you on your fucking keyboard. shit eater. i hope in some ways that you never find happiness. i'd slap you i you were here in front of me. i'm calm, god i'm calm. okay breath. pork. and mr. brightside. smells delish.

gray crowds

29/08/5/36

obsession becomes you, cigarette after cigarette .i've removed your voice from your face. your nothing if your not obsessed. i can't stand the way i'm feeling and it has nothing to do with you. your just the innocent bystander. i want you so badly, and next month you'll be gone. i don't think you mean anything at all. i think you remind me of him in a strange way, i'm wishing for fall light and freckles. how can you remind me of that, when you don't have anything to do with the way he looked or smelled. i can't smell you, clove in my lungs, and stupid words at my finger tips. slap me, hit me, break me. say you'll be mine for only a matter of time. it's growing on me, and i think i even like it. i'm listening you thump those keys till hate fills up in my lies. i wanna lose control over you, and get everything bad i ever wished for to pour over me in one big gulp. but then i have to remember that you'll be gone tomorrow nothing more than a lost worry on my pretty little head. so do it. make me what i am just for one day. pathetic and useless all at your command. i wouldn't know what to do with you if i even had you. and this is why i don't let people in, read this shit that drifts out of my fingers. something wrong with me? i wanna fuck you, rip your eyelids off, wear them as butterfly kisses. i want to become you, just like a cure song, only better. i always wanted to be a boy. tall and skinny with converse, and blue eyes; with a thirst for notes and synth music. can't stand this any longer. the best part about getting over you is not knowing if you'd say no or yes in the first place. i tell zack i want a painting with color. i don't cry until 105 minutes into control. what's become of me? am i over you? or am i over being over you? what is this i hoping for, another disaster? i wish i'd never meet you kyle. you could take timmy too for all i care, and marshall. grind my finger nails into my flesh. trainspotting made me worry you'd cursed me. but now i just smile, because i look like a young ewan mcGregor with my head shaved and my face making funny faces. maybe cory's right, maybe i'm just tried of sleeping by myself.

i'm sorry i ruined your life

if i didn't have a back ache i'd write you a love letter

i forgot the heat, my body puts off when i'm actually hurt

i should have taken one of those apologies off you

i give up

gail

zack

sialia

jett

mia

no ones loves me like you do

no one makes me cry like i do

please don't open the door to slam it in my face

i don't belong here

if you go away. . .

i hear those first few bass notes, and everything rushes back. warm/cold winter/spring days when we leaned all the way out your window with butterfly wings. smoke trailed out of our mouths as we talked about everything. but i'm getting behind myself. those notes on the bass and whining vocals remind me of dim lighting in your room after dinner. sitting on the floor with a knife in your hand slicing up the top of your forearm. no worry, no guilt, no pain on your face. slice, squeeze. animatic blood cutting perfect lines into your pink skin. like that pink see thro top you use to wear. you use to do this thing where you'd press your fingers into your sternum right next to your breast and readjust something with your other. it was magical, and you did it ALL the time. perhaps it would have been least incanting if i had anything to adjust. never the less something about you doing it in the pink shirt was to die for. and i always teased you about it being pink. back to the black and white photos of cool air and smoking outside your window. do you remember the photo that you took of my from behind? shirt around my legs. back arcing in your camera shutter. god i loved you. sometimes i wonder how two people can be so close for just a moment and then so far apart. other relations pale in what we had. maybe it's not who i think it is setting the standard for my boyfriend material. maybe it's you. making it extra hard, cause, your a girl and junk. chills every fucking time, man. burr.

sometimes i feel like the main charter from it's a wonderful life. always talking about all the places his going to go, the people he's going to meet, things he's gonna do. i watch girls my own age go off to all the far away places that i wanna go. and i pounder, if i wanna travel so badly, why don't i? they wanted to and they did. what makes me so different? is it that daddy floats the bill, they go and do whatever the want on someone else dime? maybe, sometimes but it's not always that. they are creative and find ways to do what they want. they are out going, skinny and playful. making new friends, and once again traveling. so if i want so badly to travel, why didn't i do what they did? teach english, go to collage, be born friendly, perfect and outgoing? my hatred can develop in less than 386 images, for someone i never gave much of a shit about, one way or the other. will they be famous writers traveling the world over, while i'm stuck having a 'career'? yep i'll be george bailey holding down the fort, drinking my life away, settling. it's not their fault i'm to coward to get up and start my life the way i've told myself i want it to be. maybe i just worry that instead of making new friends i'd be setting in cafes alone. wishing i was sitting alone miserable somewhere where i spoke the language. but maybe i'm being to hard on everyone. they will freak out, student loans floating over their heads ( unless we're going with that daddy idea) collage degree doing them no good, and find work at a coffee shop, realizing that they now have to start their lives. with any luck that will be about the time, i've decide to grow a pair, throw caution and worry to the wind and become a traveling stylist. by the time they are having kids, i will be opening my own shop in one of those said far away places. they will be envying me, as they sit, bills and little person laundry above their ears . and i'll envy them, cause they will have the family. i can never have. i'll still feel very much alone. unless of course they just join the peace core, and foil my entire judgmental foresight. in which case i can be like, 'whatever bitches i've got running water! ah!'

and another thing!

why do rich people gotta be so unoriginal and boring!?!?

childish i know.

i'm tired of looking back on pages of the past hoping to find glimmering foot notes and little cupids. i'm looking for my answers in the past hoping to change the future. sometimes it feels like i've learned nothing at all, especially like now when i need someone to hold me. last night a fox bite me, in my sleep, in my dream. remembering all those childhood stories with your name on the cover. i promised myself i won't do this again. letting the keys of time fill up with sweet, soft, harsh and real desires of something that i think is too good for me. that in fact is merely wearing the right mask at the right time. saving me from my loneliness, for a moment. i don't want another tyrrell or another kyle. i just want it to work. all that water just gets in the way tho. blue eyes, to close to that crisp fall day. did birds sing at your funeral, or just fly scared; from the sound your heart made. i've had a taste of blood and i want more more more. my childhood dreams were filled with chilled air and soft green covering everything. why does everything we hold for the future turn out so. . . bland compared to the daytmares and nightdreams our overactive imaginations comes up with. rainbow colored lights, asking for your number, cause your not in school today, holding in, too much. i'm a stupid sap for something i can never have again. with you or with anyone else. but i'd like to add that someone has knocked the running mate completely out of second. and if your not careful he might pull ahead to make first. so you better let me change your mind fast. my neck hurts and i'm dreaming of something far away, right here, and bittersweet.

the birth of pleasure

i'm sitting on my bed looking out onto the fall light. wings flapping in my eyes brushed with crystal. your voice soft on my ears; raising goose bumps on my newly shaved legs. fall is this amazing fleeting feeling of love. you know it's your last moments before the train takes her far away, every movement of your actions poignantly directed. time crashing by the wayside. there's something about hearing old sounds in new ways that makes me nervously excited. kinda like the way you kissed me last night. my cold skin, the fall light and music are floating together becoming one with each other. so few lines and so much said. surreal nights of bergamot and fancy vodka. shyness bracing on movie moment awkwardness. sleepy code for kiss me. the cure. kiss me kiss me kiss me and my toes curling over something better than familiar newness.

too much . . .

kissing



said



hen

i just erased what i wrote

on purpose

i(t) made me sound crazy

and i'm not being crazy right now

oh, fuck.

the day that beings after the last day of my life.

old notes on guitar stings

and

sweet voice in the distorter

remind me of watching the rain from that cold brick floor

lazy lost days of love and pain

and now i pear out the window of a different life

my suitcase unpacked, messy on the floor

cold white goosebumps shiver up my legs as the sky turns grey

and i can't remember last week

you sleep like the undead hogging the bed

planet terror, apocalypse now

and two things i've never liked before

last night

i should of told no one

and kept myself a little secret

the most important person to me today

won't exist tomorrow

remember his voice cutting thro all those blades of wheat

covered in frost

i've given up on begging

or conversating

my skin covered in blue, yellow, reds, blacks and greens

i'm yours

i close my eyes and sign off letting the world wash over me

save it for tomorrow.

It doesn't seem fair that you have to address an unpleasant situation again;

once should be enough.

can you handle the truth?

ask and you shall receive.

what did i do to disinterest you?

i counted wrong.

packing with no where to go?

die for

your bite marks on

even if it wasn't 'sweetly'

empty bedrooms and sweaty clothing

If you try to turn the situation into a personal gain,

your efforts could backfire and do no one any good at all.

Oh, I can’t get you off my mind.

All alone I bear the shame,
I went and broke my darling's heart
All I do is set an' cry
Do you think that it’s smart to jump from heart to heart?
you have no heart , you have no shame
Just a kid, actin' smart,
I was a fool to wander and astray
I run around in circles
Take these chains from my heart and set me free
I guess that I - should not complain
I guess I was too young to know.
What ev’rybod - y knew but me
. . .
I love you still - you win again.


I used to be the patient kind
I tried to but I couldn’t wait
Left my gal an' left my home.
Oh, heaven only knows how much I miss you
My folks think I’ve gone crazy
And all night long I ’ve cried
Take these tears from my eyes and let me see
The silence of a falling star
And hold you just the way I used to do
I can’t help it if I’m still in love with you


And as I wonder where you are
I'll be locked here in this cell
The midnight train is whining low,
I heard that lonesome whistle blow
No more lookin',
I know I’d still want you.
Till my body's just a shell
Give my heart just a word of sympathy
But I’d be just as blue
No matter what you do
Just a spark of the love that use to be
Go on an break you crazy heart.