she said to me once, that she didn't thing you really ever liked her. now i'm memorizing her lines.

for your eyes only : in bed in the morning.

Like a complete unknown

you kill me when you use my name

Ain't it hard when you discover that

i'm in bed trying very much not to think about you so i can sleep but i'm failing

He really wasn't where it's at

i'm not baiting hooks i'm just telling the truth

After he took from you everything he could steal.

you make me very happy

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose

i wanna feel you so bad

You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

i left for work today and was like " i've got a sukoshi girlfriend. yay"

i sure know how to pick 'em.

disclaimer: rubber jelly fish is my ledger. this is for me to remember.
05 28 08

K:

doesn't matter when i still have the losing hand. for you to want something from me. your still looking that makes me feel kinda lame. what do you want? was that a date last night? like? that really fucking sucks!!! your brushing me off allocution of your time and lack of communication that is shredding my feelings for you. i'm still here when he's gone. i don't disipir. if you like me you have to make an effort to keep me around. i wasn't put on this earth to be convenient for you. i really really like you and love being with you that's i'm so pissed and hurt i'm really fucking unhappy and confused by you right now. why don't we just talk next week. didn't you read any of my tex? it's mostly what you didn't do. that you didn't want me to do to you. u blew me off when i wanted to talk and you are still doing it. you stopped talking to me. yes last night and you all of a sudden stop texing me but you never called not ever to see what's up. i wanna discover what makes it work with you cause i love you. you meant to send that to jett? sigh you win. square frown. no it's me sad. do you even like me? it's misleading and hurtful when shit like this happens. then you shouldn't of told me that you were falling for me and that you like me too much. if you want to salvage anything from our time together this needs to be sorted out. sooner than later it got this way cuz you wouldn't talk to me. i had stuff on my mind 2o minutes of your time you attention and your voice is all i wanted. tex doesn't cut it. even that went sway. i said i wanna talk soon. i talk to you when i'm sleepy, anyway thats not the point.

phone conversation.

i'm not in love with you but i think i love you. sorry for being an ass.

S:

were you drunk last night. *i wanna discover how to make it work cause i love you* i don't understand i laid all my cards on the table for you to look at . no one has the winning hand. there is no four of a kind with me. i had it and folded hoping for something better. what do you want ? i want a friend to kiss and not to be upset because i'm trying to find what i want. i want the moon. i'll always still be looking. paco and i? far from it, but we like each other. i've had a crush on him for 8 years he's in town for a few days we are hanging out. your different for me too. ( reel missing in K's) i don't want you to be hurt and i don't want to feel like i'm doing something wrong cause i'm not. the harder one pushes the more i pull. no it's doesn't. what part of i have lots of boyfriends did you not understand? look i like you a lot more than anyone else i've meet in a long time. what exactly did i do? you right, when next week would you like to speak to me. your attacking me. i shut down when people attack me. what didn't i do? tell me what that is. last night? i went to a movie for a few hours i thought you might calm down a lil. i wrote you something that wasn't meant for you. i meant to say that to jett. are you in love with me? yes that's what i was just trying to tell you. no i didn't. :( let me know when you wanna conversation with me next week. yes, but i don't think you understood me when i told you i was broken.

05 30 08

K:

you already told me that. ... i'm sorry. i don't know what else to say. is it? what do you want now? yes. . . you? ( it's not what i meant) i hope you find what your looking for. last one. i'm falling to hard for you. what do you wanna do about it? do you want to do anything about it?no. . . it's not. it's okay sweety. .. i know. what to do. . . will you still hangout with me if i don't kiss you anymore. ok fine?!...u know that's not what i want. and how is that not fair. your not being fair but if that's what you want. . . as you wish. if i'm not being fair then what do you want? not be a jealous ass? sigh. . . i will try. if you will have me. hello? i have to go. sigh. no time for riddles i'm going to the ER. have not been feeling well. my chest hurts. like before i freaked out, it wont happen again. how am i not being fair. . .you wont ever tell me what you want from me. or that you even want to kiss me anymore. it wont happen again. it's out next week? u texted me.

S:

? you freaked me out, and pissed me off. it's not easy to do. fair enough. what do i want? me? i'm going to a movie with paulie. i don't know. me to. smooch. (opps i called kyle) last one meaning? i know. what are we gonna do about it? i can't answer that question. and i can't have a tex conversation tonight. trick question. i don't know tonight. what do you know? and what's that? i'll have to ask my lawyer. your not being fair bit if that's what you want....as you wish. your not being fair. you. and what did you mean? i said as you wish. ? . yea. i'm cold numb and devoid of any kind o love you wanna throw my way. im tried so tried. can you see me coming i'm so close now. how close that bathtub and white dog. what?! what happened? i'm sorry that sucks! i don't know what. but you did freak out. your a terrible lair. i'm sorry you don't feel well. i can't do this, this way tonight. you were the one who spoke of no more kissing. it's out next week yet. it's not. we were gonna talk next week. i give up. i feel like your trying to make me out to be the bad guy. i want you to stop being a jealous ass, yes! end of transmission for tonight.

i'm having a surreal moment while listening to garbage's

cover of can't seem to make you mine for the first time

lead into the ramones.

did i ever tell you about that night?

i'm waiting, i kinda hate waiting.

Jesus & Mary Chain

i'm sleepy

cat eyes in tacked

waiting for a phone call

searching tho the music you left in our imaginary apartment

my spelling has been miss placed

rancid mustered in the refrigerator door

he offered to reset the table

knowing it's hard to see the stars from here,

with so much candle light around

i bite my lip and ask them to spoon me

as i turn away

you holding her hand

her touching your head

and the shy way i look up at you

from in between my teeth

begotten, rubber johnny, and rubber loves

put taps on your toes and get gone

she measures your bread and i'm inthrall with the keyboard

so many in the closet

light barley pushing tho

square pusher

circle square

. . .

i respond with worn out love letters

of mismatched:

portishead, massive attack, and something else missing

pushing my head against the cool glass

pounder why you never asked about the toothpaste

everyone else does

but then again your not like them

the female humming bird outside my door is getting defensive

little buzzers on the way

sanitarium.

i look back on some of my old blogs

hoping some of my bitterness has subsided

but i wonder if it's just shifted back to rightful owners

i'd like to put it behind me,

see it on the path way and know what to do with it

8 year crushes

summer sids

kyle

jett

and everything in between

this is what i dreamt a year ago, to the day, expect it's a leap year.

*indoor pool. jett and i are in the pool. all of a sudden jett turns into a shark and is trying to eat me. it's like we are playing tho, b/c if the shark wanted to get me, he just would. he is playing with his food. i'm under the water and i see the shark dive into the water. the water is really deep and i'm trying to swim to the surface. i swim up to the surface and shark comes up right next to me and takes a big bite out of the side of the pool. i decide that perhaps playing 'tag' with the shark is not such a good idea. i start punching the shark in 'neck' (below the mouth).
*jett is taking a bath somewhere other than our house in real life. i'm his servant/wife, it isn't totally clear. he's like a master anyway. he gets out of the bath.the women/servant next to me helps him i think. jett leaves. the sevant and i are sitting next to each other on the floor; our arms resting over the ledge of the bath tube. water is draining out of the bath tube. there are mapel leaves/ other things in the bath. they are swirling around making symetrical arangements with each other. the things other than the leaves (they look kinda like marbels) start reflecting light all over the left side of the bath tube/wall. purpel and yellow, with white little dots. the servant makes comment of how 'magical' the lights are. the light is filling her with the urge to for us to 'embrace' . we are lovers behide closed doors. i tell her that altho all the signs are there that we should caress (the light is some kind of sign) at this moment we can not! i feel that same desire that she does.
* jett and i have just eaten at la boca, la boca looks much more like a twisted version of citizen cake. the whole wait staff is waiting on us, lead by this older women with short, dyed blonde, curly, hair. i'm tyring to get our check. the check doesn't come out to the right amount it's something like $8, 40 something, $8.46? i can't find jett. i'm looking over this guys shoulder, he's looking at the suicide girls' book. only it much more graphic. daniel lives behide la boca, and suddenly i'm with him at his house. it's his old house on kalamath st. we are in the living room, mid morning light it streaming in the large window. the place is thrashed. really junky, more like my house. or daniel's first house. daniel is eating cereal. i think there is a tv on the table.he asks me if i have a scar on my belly botton like he does. i don't understand what he is taking about. he's about to show me but then i wake up.

!omg my nails are short!

Same.Same.Same.

my heart feels heavy as i lay in bed thinking about who could be next to me

the 'i don't think he ever cared about me' has switched to the other foot

i'm not sure how today is going to work, my right arms been acting up again

please, don't tell me, tell me, tell me

he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not

it makes no difference

hearts beating out of chest cavities

i have the worst friends ever!

all wrapped up in i love yous

wouldn't it be the worst if the past two weeks weren't

some sort of agreement i'd made with myself

but because i had a new person holding their breath at me

i cut my nails, eyelashes and teeth

throw them to the wind in some sort of

nonsensical temporary shrine to you

and your forbidden mother

it hurts as me and madonna kiss our hellos

bloody knuckles

and i'm always wishing you were someone else

to love me, hurt me, anything

when did i become so pathetic

heaven help me

she says she likes my tattoo

i've been thinking about getting you on the other side

but then, all caution would be thrown

and i(t) wouldn't be what i(t) started out as

but then again i guess everything sacred

loses it's meaning in the end

pennies plinking in the wishing well of ice cream

arms length, date me and hook ups

there's dirty hair on the floor

blood on my chest and lies on the mirror

my nails are too long, hair legs,

and i can't stand your voice anymore

i blush off all reasons for the light flickering in your eyes

run my nails over your skin

and kiss you goodbye hoping you won't see my smiling face

pushed underneath the pillow

i hate the way you whisper behind my back

asking how many i have

lunch with bruises on my neck wondering if no one notices

ear wax, gravity, and glasses of water

we are the worst idea in the world for each other

and not today is all i think when you don't want to kiss me

i cross my legs at you as i need to pee

your whole body shakes when i kiss you

blue eyes never mean nothing

your my brother, my lover, ex

love

kurt cobain is like the biggest loser ever

ian takes the cake

and as i tell people what you two say

i know, it's okay to be this low

sobbing into the toilet

hunger

the feeling of my toes curled against the tile

clacking eyelids, rubber bands, and i think your making it up

i totally don't snore

wiggling fingers taps on your toes, missing teeth

and the cowboy,

. . . . . .

junkies

what would they say?

i thought my neck was bad enough?

my lilies are crying and i'm putting on pounds

cory where are you?

gwen and i hum to each other over the the phone

glass in between our faces

are you happy now?

i could be sad, waiting for you to let me in the back door. . . .

i can't have a boy

gail says i'm in love with being in love

and i think she's right

and no i don't think i did the right thing!

i wanna be, want you make me

i just. . . .

i'm broken, and i don't wanna get over him

it goes clunk.

i wrote you a love letter on my bicycle

i've lost the words now

as drunken sailors pass me by

and matt says good evening as i ride up hillside

waiting for little nepal to be open

and who do i smell like tonight

everyone's darkness smells the same

all the bay rum after shave in the world can't hide it

you say you wanna go home with me

i ask you when i can come home

wishing for you touch against my skin

there were things i liked but i didn't know it at the time

he says it's depressing and you should sleep with me

too much bowie for one night?

hi fi in my ears and i'm wishing i remembered how those words went

i was so sad, knowing i'd made an irreparable mistake

bob is whispering in between my legs again

goosebumps running up the back of my legs

i was getting use to waking up alone

black hanging from the starlight

he sits on the couch next to me, pretending he doesn't now what i taste like

i'm not a hopeless romantic

i'm just a hopeless wendy

tucking everyone into bed, but myself

knowing it's true for them but not for me

will you call again?

why do you like me?

ian winks at me and glenda. . . .

now what was it again?

short wave radio, and lightning.

laying on the floor listening to Beirut

your fingers touching my teeth

his distance voice on my lips

glasses and your shaved head

snots and whistles

i wanna be close to you

but your all the way across town

as the sky dips and i'm wearing your smoke ring around my collar

why wont you touch me?

why wont you love me?

collapsed veins, swollen lips and

the way you use to look up at me from in between my legs

no one looks at me like that anymore

blurring the keys and

foot steps

we both wish for welcome home,

sanitarium

do your neighbors hate you

and i'm getting my nails done in the morning

if i stop missing you, and didn't fall in love again

i wouldn't have a muse anymore

kiss her eyelids goodnight and

walk the hillside to your doorstep

run your hands across my back looking at me from behind

biting my shoulders pulling my hips close to you

as my moans whipper in your ear

this ones for you and

you can tell everyone this is your song

kamel reds, old note books, and my ring doesn't fit right way round

as you're looking at my legs and the red lines

striped socks and emailed apologies

maybe Beirut and Devotchka can both play at our wedding

kiss me goodnight,

please tell me you love me one more time

and whisper sweet love songs in my heart.

no wonder i opened up another blogger account to post that.

dear god, what's wrong with me.

chelsea Hotel # 2

cold december days laying on your floor.

over listening to the killers.

you were so shy as i rested my head on your shoulder.

i was wishing for something new, loving, different.

help me out. . .

something has changed or stayed the same.

wishing for that guitar and me in your lap.

wishing in some way i felt the same.

but i do and that's the problem.

you drew on me with that determined look on your face,

while,

now he makes me business cards, with her face on them.

i like them.

and they make my left arm twitch.

watching helena running laps and peach colored underwear make our hearts limp.

i know nothing is different.

that i'm wishing you'd be different.

but your right no one is gonna do it the right way.

crazy weather, driving home at 5 am, where did it go.

the boy i met, he left me for art school.

the boy i love, i left, and now he has another muse.

i'm cold watching clouds move in the denver artport.

so if i had a chance would you let me know?

daniel and pam's house smells like my break up with you.

as i tex kyle that i'm wearing your bauhaus tee shirt and nothing less.

he makes me nervous, cause i know,

even tho i like him, i'll still wake up,

thinking your wrapping around my legs.

it makes it hard for me to trust myself,

when i thought i was falling for you.

and now you've just fallen to the bottom of the list.

it doesn't matter if you make the top five,

now,

if you stay on the top five for five weeks,

it means something.

when was my birthday?

i think your topping out just fine jett.

when i said you don't need to get me anything, ethan had the right idea.

your last chance.

i roll over and give you head, purr and say i'm yours.

you drop me off and i do it all over again.

it's not fake, it's just not fulfilling.

it makes me nervous when you make me come so hard that i bleed,

opening up my eyes in embarrassment.

cause your not who i thought you were.

it felt to similar to familiar.

wish i'd taken that last touch,

kiss,

near misses.

and pimples.

your shaved head scared me,

what can i say?

we said the most retarded,

cruel things to each other.

i remember thinking at the time you were winning,

cause it was meaner.

but i'm wrong i was losing cause i was meaner.

you can tell i'm hurt.

but boys come and go and you'll run out of pictures.

it would all mean something,

prove one point or any other.

but my flight is delayed and you're the one i'm texing

to tell that i'm gonna be late.

vegans are strange

generally crazy

and way fuckable.

would you love me if i cut my nails,

promised to take care of you.

stop hurting myself?

i'm coming to find you.

goosebumps,

crab apple blossoms

and wishing i was the face you wanted.

. it feels like the longest three months of my life.

can you handle the truth?

ask and you shall receive.

e t l t y e k j

cloudy warm days wrapped up in,' you touched my foot? '

skinny boys with black rimmed glasses

strawberry motor oil

hairy legs

and wrapping you around my finger

i know it comes and goes, but

when it's there, it's like her face smiling back into my green eyes

just looking for another girl

your strange and i like you

curly crazy hair, you say your old

but i know your just another peterpan with a sink full of old books

i texd you the other day, but it wasn't you

he asked me if i worked for the state and i shook my head

your jacket doesn't fit you anymore

and i like your watch

as you bite your lip, kinda, ho hum smile

thinking to yourself, i'm not really looking at you

like that

cory's got my number

laying in bed

playing war



friendly fire

and he looks off not waiting to hear it

it wasn't my idea

can i say i'm sorry and come back again?

i ask you for the clash, but you give me willie nelson

even tho you said, i couldn't anymore, that you didn't know how to feel about it

i don't even know your name, your age, or if you still want me

the way i want you

you only return to torture me more

i'm sorry i fell asleep

warped glass in her eyelashes

i dream of her

but i make into what i wish you saw

the dumb, it's the worst part

the way he looks at you, that feeling, that's my feeling

cold goosebumps of lazy summer days

sitting on your face

you use to do it all the time

if you feel bitter i will understand

every time i start with something new

i fold you in, like i was baking a angel food cake

i wish i could read you

i feel very small around you

like i'm in need of being broken, or held

temptation

crab apple blossoms touch the edges of her brown eyes

telekinetically sending you blooming crab apple trees and black water

i know i can't say anything to make it right

i need to find my happy thought, first

make a huge mark, be turned into something huge

smile shyly knowing it's me

the way her hand rests into the bottom of the paint

it's the perfection of the act of sex

be happy

be happy.

float with me up into that smell,

getting married on my mind

you're right they do turn green.

.for better or for worse.

it's like reading a really heart broken history book.

did you notice all the things i miss about you are actual full thoughts not just things.

i've had enough, of myself.

any time you hate someone that much, you love them in equal stride, if not more.

only, it makes me wonder how some people fit in.

you were right when you said that i feel like no one is ever gonna love me enough.

it's because i can't wrap my head around the fact that i'm not a waste of carbon.

i measure myself in people's first impression of me.

muse mentality.

the only way i got over mia, was letting go of letting go.

she's lost control again.

so what's the word, yo?

your at the cross roads serena

which is it gonna be?

up?

or,

down?

can you sink below to get higher?

are you gonna have to see the darkness, pressed up against your face to want the light?

how far can too far go?

i'm waltzing with death.

and i wonder if you trust me, or you just think i'm bluffing.

i started missing you so long ago, it's blooming now.

like all the sweet smelling trees me and my bike pass by.

wishing we were in japan, kissing cherry blosoms on the tips of our noses.

you told me to ask you when i was ready.

i'll try.

. . . .

everyone else loves her face too

sitting in the dark whiskey drunk

and i wanna be your girlfriend

they turn a strange amber green

thinking about you

passing fields of dead grass

bob whispering in my ear

severed roots wrapped up in the beard you wore

cracked hands, blushed eyes

crying into your shoulder

i can't remember which one of me has told you what

and where are you tonight, baby blue?

i knew i'd bite straight thro my tongue

wishing for your shaking hands around my newly defined hips

writing by hand hurts me so badly

i'm trying to be punk again nik and owen at my back

blue and green with red in the middle

( barely )

you don't have to read in between the lines,

. . . . ,

it's all about you.

this is my all female top five

yes i'm drunk so i'm admitting to it




girlfriend - avril lavigne



i love rock n roll- joan jett and the blackhearts



dreaming my dreams of you - cowboy junkies



perfidia - phyllis dillion



cherry oh baby - pauline black

. . .

i scare myself, i wish you'd be as worried about me as i am.

my two front teeth are all broken!

cute faces you make when you talk.

resend tex as to why you fell for me. if i type resend as one word it's my name

i just want u 2 b the cheerful ludicrous girl i fell 4.

yeah i had to look it up, shut up.

' i loved a woman once and child i'm told '

slashers, burnt house, and my life in ruins

black spatter, done left and gone on

i'm cold, numb, and devoid of any kind of love you wanna throw my way

i'm tried so tried

it's over and i'm still pushing, stop me before the finally spill comes

it's gonna be quick

and then well be together on that lonely, lovely, sandy beach

just you and me watching those waves roll in and out

can you see me coming i'm so close now

they don't understand the depths of it

how close that bathtub and white dog are

that cute summer smile and laugh

that makes all the girls love you

we were good together, i tell him that

and they all roll their eyes

what have i done to myself

cut, burns, hangovers

and this overwhelming loneliness

it's broken, don't try to call it and save it

it's gone off that dove's wing

and i love her face so much

i wish i ever loved myself the way you saw me

splattered with salt

make it past light after light

voices in the distance

it would be just my luck for someone to catch me

blood, i did say harder

it's all a little scary locked in the green house of glory

i'm not gonna make it

say you're goodbyes while they last

' i gave her my heart but she wanted my soul '