you.you.you.you.you.

the way i'm feeling about you is eating away at me.

once this blog was called top five things.

but then i went blank and didn't know what to say to all of you.

do i know now?

i listen to the killers and think about you.

watch movies, trying to make myself cry about you.

thinking about calling your mom, cause your not speaking to me.

biting my lip thinking about how i scared you.

what are you thinking.

smiling when i read that you're thinking about me.

i've always wondered if you did.

your blue eyes, and that goes for all three of you.

why can't i make you stay?

why didn't you love me the way i loved you.

wait make that four.

no five.

did i miss you, any of you?

the way you look at me rips chunks out of my soul.

and it already has a flat.

why can't i let you see me?

your not looking inside, i wont let you.

hold my breath and flip open my phone waiting for the spill.

be it good or bad.

you make me sick.

and i wanna love you like i've never loved anyone before.

that goes for every single one of you.

i hate you.

why did you go and do that?

i would of died for you.

can you hear me now?

are you bored of me yet?

can you hear what i'm thinking about you?

i can hear you.

you told me you liked my nails, and i'm still growing them.

just for you.

and it's all your fault.

i want to tell you about the boy i met.

i think you'd think he was cute.

are you still reading?

will you flip the record over?

i miss you.

are you waiting for me?

i'm waiting for you.

he use to look down on me, smiling,

sneering.

i can smell you again, it makes me lonely inside my stomach.

where are all my love letters?

i don't dare look at them.

it reminds me of me, me, me,

what do you do when you have no one to take with you to the deserted island.

the runner up has given up, and you need someone to take you to the prom.

clean sheets and awkward awakenings.

do you like american music?

it's like the ultimate break up song for me.

rubber bands break.

and i can't deny it you've made me heart broken, jett.

remember when you told me after her you didn't believe in it anymore?

you never thought it could happen again.

that's the way you've left me feeling.

dream from 02 17 08

threesome with jett and some girl.to many cocks. biking around town, waiting for paul. general strangeness/sadness.

those were my notes and i'm sticking to them.

dream from 02 15 08

i slept so heavy last night my whole body hurts. i feel like there was a rhino sleeping on top of me. ( and not one that cute and little) this was lots of worrying about jett mixed in with my dreams.

*i was still living at the house. the house was morbid. big, empty and strange. like something from the past. was he washing his hair? he was a total jerk to me.



* in this bizarre happening town. it reminds me a little bit of 'spirited away'. there is every time period you could imagine. carriages filled with people in extravagant clothing and make up. it's an ordinary town like san francisco but filled with everything a child would dream up. what kind of vessel am i in? everyone is looking at me strange.

* still in san fancisco or somewhere but it's calmed down a bit. i'm hanging out with people who are my friends but in waking life i don't know who they are. industrial apartments, cement staircases and bicycles.

* i'm tying to get to the industrial part of town. i'm near warehouse 21 on the other side of the street. only from where i am i can see the corner of cordova and cerrillos. which is where i'm trying to get to. yep that's right in my dream land taco bell is the end of the world that is santa fe. i guess the two places are both near railroad tracks. am i with noah and benji? i make my way to taco bell. i walk inside and it's nothing like in reality. food and women's underwear, oh and flip flops. sophie's dad is there and in the dream he is a lot like rick, who i just met. ( rick reminds me of 'the dude') there's a large language barrier. are we talking about the hospital?

* i'm this house, it's a little bit like a house i remember from kansas. it's either prom or like mock prom. the house is filled with girls that i know. we are trying to decided what to wear. at one point me and this other girl are dressed in what each other would normally wear. we have a laugh. i also try on a raggedy anne outfit, which in the dream makes perfect sense. it's like the school mascot or something. i try on a dress that's like my red corset.

dream from 02 13(?) 08

*i'm in my current, old bedroom at G and Z's house. altho it kinda looks like a basement, or this place i was once with my parents when i was a little kid. tyrrell, sophie and i are in bed. sophie is definitely winning. am i upset? how do i feel? i go running out into the street. it's just rained, still drizzling. i'm running in that dream world way. great big leaps in slow motion getting me there faster somehow. i'm splashing in all the puddles. i run up to the rose park. along the east side of the rose park there are lots of very tall. the way there use to be roses on the side of my parents house when i was a little kid. i'm hiding behind the roses listening to these two me talking . they are planing on tearing down the tall rose bushes. all of a sudden i'm surrounded by people. we are all planning on stopping them. somethings wrong tho. we can't stop them so we decide to save this one huge rose that is blue. it's not just blue it's like that color blue you see when your body is overloaded with excitement. the flowers almost look like poppies more than roses. do we save it? what happens? who are these people around me? i feel like i'm in the goonies. only it's kinda lame.



so in my normal blog posting i went online looking for images. i bit off more than i can chew. i don't know how my brain knows shit like this but it does. check it out : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_rose .

02 18 08

02 Princeville 17 Hotel 08

For Jett.

You're a no good heart breaker
Well, you know you took my heart
You're a liar and you're a cheat
And you broke it apart
And I don't know why
Why did our love baby, yeah yeah
I let you do these things to me
Have to ever start
I guess I'm uptight
You know you took my love, threw it away
And I'm stuck like glue
You gonna want, my love someday
'Cause I ain't never
Well a bye bye baby
I ain't never, I ain't never, no, no (loved a man)
(bye bye bye)
(The way that I, I love you)
If you should lose me, oh yeah,you'll lose a good thing
The way you treat me is a shame
Just don't mistreat me,and I'll be good to you
How could you hurt me so bad
Cause if you should lose me, oh yeah, you'll lose a good thing
Baby, you know that I'm the best thing
I'm givin you one more chance,for you to do right
That you ever had
If you'll only straighten up,we'll have a good life
Cause I ain't never
Cause if you should lose me,oh yeah,you'll lose a good thing
Never, Never, no, no (loved a man)
This is my last time,not asking any more
(The way that I, I love you)
If you don't do right,I'm gonna march outa that door
Whoa, oh, oh
And if you don't believe me, just try it daddy
Yeah! Yeah!
And you'll lose a good thing
I ain't never loved a man
Just try it daddy and you'll lose a good thing
I ain't never loved a man, baby
Just try it daddy and you'll lose a good thing
Ain't never had a man that hurt me so bad
Just try it daddy and you'll lose a good thing
No
Just try it daddy and you'll lose a good thing
Well this is what I'm gonna do about it...
You don't own me, I'm not just one of your many toys
You keep saying you've got something for me.
You don't own me, don't say I can't go with other boys
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
And don't tell me what to do
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.
And don't tell me what to say
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
And please, when I go out with you
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
Don't put me on display, 'cause
You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'.
You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
You don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.
So just let me be myself
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
That's all I ask of you
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
To live my life the way I want
You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
To say and do whatever I please
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
A-a-a-nd don't tell me what to do
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
Oh-h-h-h don't tell me what to say
and what he know you ain't HAD time to learn.
And please, when I go out with you
Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
Don't put me on display

what i would have said to you.

so, showing this to the world is kinda like showing someone an unfinished sketch in your sketch book. but i'm going to do in anyway. the original date that i compiled this is 09 12 07. can you guess what i was doing?



Take another little piece of my heart now baby



I would walk 500 more
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your door



i want your skull



you'll never wait so long
here comes your man
there is a wait so long



i'm waiting for my man
Here he comes, he's all dressed in black
PR shoes and a big straw hat
He's never early, he's always late
First thing you learn is you always gotta wait

I'm waiting for my man



Ever fallen in love with someone?
You Shouldn't've Fallen In Love With



Will you still need me
When I'm sixty-four



Oh, you've got green eyes
Oh, you've got blue eyes
Oh, you've got gray eyes
And I've never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I've never met anyone quite like you before



I want you around I want you around

Theyre telling us theyre gonna make a fuss
About the two of us

I want you around I want you around

You know if it comes true Ill be so good to you

Ill never treat you cruel as long as Ive got you around

I want you around I want you around

You heard that Im no good yeah, yeah Im no good

But Ill treat you like I should

I want you around I want you around



i crave your love like a blind man craves the light.



you are the one i want, o,o, oo, honey

kauai

02 14 08

7 plus hours on a plane is a long time. but you get off and everything smells like flowers. the airport baggage claim is open to the world with no windows or doors. everything green makes you want to cry, the ocean is peering back at you from every direction. you strip off all your extra clothes, and as black cotton messes your hair it's like god is flicking everything off your shoulders.

in kauai the grass is sticky and the sand is soft.








02 15 08

i slept like i had a rhino sleeping on top of me last night. you walk up and your whole body kinda sore and
funky feeling? i woke up a few times in the night. once at twilight. the sky and the ocean matching colors. the ocean looked wild. like it was raining on it's self; in it's shore seeking frenzy.












02 16 08

i love sitting in this room with the ocean air floating in and out; clacking away on the keys of susan's laptop. my wrists are soar from writing so much. i shift between loneliness and total bliss looking out at the ocean in hanalei bay. is this the place where i learn to be by myself. the mainland holds so much reality, that there is sukoshi waiting for me there. i had the worst stomach ache yesterday. i woke up a few times during the night. i meet someone named sage in my parents house before he opens the door for me to throw up. i woke up stomach wrenching. my tattoo itches and i still miss someone.









i'm getting poked full of holes, but it's so warm and soft i don't care. the ocean makes everything softer. sweeter smelling. i thought hyde park was good. you aint seen nothing yet.

photos just don't do the ocean justice.

02 17 08

bad dreams about you again. i swear to god if i don't stop having nightmares about you, i might waste away into nothing. wake up gut wrenching, rush to the bathroom. last nights pizza on my mind. i flip on the computer. i have 3 new emails. one positive one negative and one neutral. my legs can't carry me away fast enough from all your words. dead sprint up that grassy hill. pants falling off. i see the ocean, pink clouds resting on top and i collapse. sand in between my toes and hands over my face.



"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"



only one more day before i'm suppose to tip the supreme being. and i still have no idea.