i try not to be in my body as much as possible. everything i do is escape from my body or mind: sleeping, reading, writing, watching movies, fucking, working, riding my bike, getting drunk, eating, cooking, playing poker, playing the box drum, playing video games, dreaming. i'm never satisfied, there's always something more that i want. this doesn't mean that i'm never satisfied with one thing, it's just that after that thing is 'complete' i want something else. like if i write i'm thinking about what i want to eat, and if i eat then i'm thinking about how horny i am. i feel like my body in my enemy and i'm a spy. i'm being nice to my body, tricking it, with secret plans of blowing it up. why am i so unhappy with my physic that i'm trying to escape from my body? what is it that i don't like about my self? is it something i can change? do i want to change it? i wish i could be a spirit, floating free having no affect on the physical realm.( why have i been losing my ability to drink responsibly?) i feel like i'm standing on the edge of the world looking over. i'm watching all the water in the world pour out into the galaxy. i know that i can't contain/stop the water and yet i want to. part of me wants to control gravity, and the other part of me is perfectly happy watching the largest waterfall ever know and having a front seat.
1 comment:
Dissatisfaction is a gift from God. To be satisfied is to be slow and uninterested. I believe it is desirable to feel a little bit hungry, though not desperately so. Buddhists believe we must give up wanting. I don't quite concur. I feel we must strive to separate wanting from suffering for not having.
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