. . i remember you all well. . .in the chelsea hotel. . .

what if everyone you ever loved was just a passing note, an eyelash as your eyes watched the flicker of life as you were dying. i can't remember your name only playing house, naked, and suspicious teachers. freckles, bathing suits and pretending the wall was you to kiss. freckles, liquorish chew sticks, and vodka soaked underpants, don't forget the camera. freckles blue eyes and your bra strap hanging out, and i take off your shoes. blue eyes, soft pink and smoke, slashes of blood and hate so good you can taste it. notes, stolen kisses, bicycle rides and everything else i'm missing. blue eyes, freckles and nails thro your ears, throwing myself, aspens and shooting yourself in the heart, don't forgive the 1984, i replaced it, don't worry. skull,s converse and i nevers, misguided loneliness comes alive against your lips, the ocean rushing in at my heart. i did forget, the joker, crazy girlfriends and i was born for loving you. brown doe eyes that didn't hold me down, just gave me what i needed, your sweetness overwhelms me. grey eyes, grass stains, and thumbprint bruises, how i don't miss our sid and nancy nights of couch foolery. you don't need a mention, lost nights in my bed, you took from me everything you could steal, good days, grave yards, and those blue eyes that reminded me of falling in love. and you, your not gone, at least not just yet, so i'm not sure what to say about you, expect your sweetness overwhelms me also, please don't leave me, just yet.

i promise i'll never.

i'll never sing as beautifully as jeff buckley

i'll never fall in love for the first time again

i'll never be a virgin again

i'll never love you the way you love me

i'll never be a mother

i'll never see you again

i'll never kiss you on that piano again

i'll never get pulled thro the park by you again

so sleep on the couch

i'll never see you the same way again

i'll never be skinny

or tall

rich or famous

i'll never learn to love myself as equally as i hate myself

what am i doing lost in someone new

who, as far as i can see thinks the world of me

you deserve someone so so much better than me

cold from the start with no love and care left to offer

you said take my love now, i don't wish to save any for anyone else

will i ever been able to feel this lusted after feeling

or am i to remain cold and unwilling

i feel like i've forgotten how, unwilling to find happiness

in the soft touch of afternoon light

i don't want all this bitterness take it away from me

even the way your high heels click down the pathway makes my stomach turn

i know you don't believe me, but there is someone better, for you at least

not you however

sometimes i wonder if you are capable of complete love

if my model is based off you, and it's only a fraction, friction, fiction

go away from me i'm nothing good for you

i promise i'll break your heart

i promise i'll still love you

i promise i'll still shy away from you

i promise i'll still be lonely in your company

i promise i'll still lust after you, and you and you ect.

why would you want me

can you not seeing the black bubbling from behind my eyes

heed my warning and run while this black hole of serena can't swallow you

for fear of a true human emotion

i promise i'll never. say. never.

hank williams on christmas day.

everything is in black and white as the giver takes my love from me.

goosebumps kiss my skin as the heat moans low on the tile floor.

i want to be you, and see the world through your lyrics.

nothings changed.

a few new tricks and an empty bottle of booze.

i've felt nothing and learned nothing new.

haven't loved or been loved.

and haven't learned to lie, either.

when will you turn the hourglass over.

it's my turn to run out.

must be my double, and i can't forget.

i want that new feeling of someone elses skin on mine, resting my head against theirs.

i want to fall in love, with you again, for the first time.ph

367 post, 365 days, or was it a leap year

and here i am sitting in bed, sheetless

listening to hank williams sing

i'd still love you

how time passes

when your getting colder

and older

and i love you still

i was born with a . . .

blankness covers all

my mother sent my a letter today

i'm listening to the prelude at the end

the end of what?

why does the thought scare me so much
incapable
for boys to love

is it because i feel incapable

please don't fall in love with her tonight

and you, knock it off already

but yes even now i'm starting to miss you

as the cold winter air crawls behind my eyes

and burrows in, to make my tears extra icy

to match my heart

if you go away. . .

goosebumps and all the boys i've kissed this year can't save me

am i so alone to be afraid

skip ahead to where it rains

and remember that fountain pouring over green fern leaves

wonder where you are tonight

especially like now when i need someone to hold me

i don't want to buy christmas gifts for anyone, be nice and look pretty

go fuck yourselves as i crawl into a dark hole

winter biting at my toes

i was so worried, thinking i wouldn't make it out of the cave

maybe you'll keep your promise

and i'll keep mine

scaring everyone off just the same

skip

back the the prelude

sometimes wishing i heard it for the first time, just now

no wait. . . . . .











































































now.

take all this love from my wild heart and

throw it out like rusted old ashes

i'm so tried of being this old face

with nothing new to say for it's self

i'm still cold. . .

. . . dancing next to you

humming hallelujah underneath my breath

i don't want you to see me crying

don't tease me with this ethereal belief of love

that no one really has for each other

sleep next to me and hold my hand

i'm pretending?

you tell me i've lost track

everything is slow at 80 miles down the road

i like when your going 100

and 15

20

watch as my head gets blow off

and i hate to think that you'll be a destained memory like may and june, and part of july

so far away from my lips i can't believe i let you touch me

tell me all your dirty secrets it wont change what i've done

i hope i live long enough that there is a bigger mistake than this

if you told me this was life a year ago,

what,

how,

why,

hallelujah

no not like that, i just have a new like for jeff buckley

and the inside of you arms

sh don't tell anyone

. . . it's a secret

your dad hates me

and everything comes rushing back to me

i worry that i'll never be good enough

and i worry i'll kill myself thinking that way

i hate when i fuck up the ending

and yea, i like closing time,

and i'm not talking about tom

and now i mean it

hallelujah

now.

bitterness consumes me as you pull my eyelids over my eyes

whispering sweet nothings thro my red veins

cherry cola hmmms to me as i go down for the long haul

wake up with your lips on my mouth telling me all about how you love me again

but your not the boy telling me

i love you

as he slides out

his face doesn't change from mask to mask

like yours or mine

your just nineteen, ready or not

tomorrow cover this grey with black

i wanna re write every beat poet in hell to be their muse

burn for me and my poison kiss

what are you gonna do without me for the rest of you little life

cough the night away

i know how to pretend when i'm next to you

lost when i'm alone, faking for yourself is so unbelievable

i wanna be the girl they all want

be skinny and pretty with nothing THAT important to say

we all grow old and die, so what are you waiting for

roll the dice and tell me how many kisses you want and where

i'll be your cherry cola, your sweet sixteen, your poison, your lost control

just drop the coin in the slot and i'll be the button you push

i hate men.

they are unless. i want nothing to do with them, unless i'm getting paid, or fucked.