in the garden of serenity

eve sits underneath the appeal tree.
leaves russell between adam's feet as he walks toward her.
crowley slingshots out from in between his legs.

the word's come out so differently on the paper than they do in my head.

sigh.

continued: 01 22 08

without out a computer i can't write for shit. i've got all these ideas floating around in my heard that i can't get out fast enough.

he's like an imprint on my brain i can't get off. soft fury like a dog shaking it's head from side to side. my lips caught in between his teeth. eve takes a generous bite out of her apple. bites her lip and looks up at adam mouth. filled with gushing apple she asks ' you wanna bite?'

platonic make out cds. cold furnaces. whiskey drunk in denver. cold goodbyes.

no one even tries to rob the bar where he works.

the words come out clumsy on paper with pen.

he looks across the room at me. the furnaces isn't working again. the cold air makes my nipples stand away from my soft roundish breasts. the only thing paris ever said to me that struck a cord in me was ' i can't make blue eyes stay'. i look back at him my collar bone blushing. i part my lips to speak, they make a sticky dirty noise. ' so did that mean you wanna get to third base with me?' his liver explodes. he laughs that laugh like when he is nervous.

('sure. but what boy doesn't want to get to third base with you.')


my hand tastes like blood as i bite on my nails. they are soft and shiny they taste like sex with a girl. i double check my watch to make sure he's not a virgin. i try not to move but my blushing gives me away, full fold. it's like when you accidently give away your poker hand by smirking just a little too much. his fingers touch my stomach. i suck in. his pen flicks my nipple resulting in extra fullness. i can't feel it tho. i'm shaking needlessly. i've done this part a million times before; just not with this pair of hands.

it's not that i'm bored or in love. i just want to be everyones muse. like the girl in the red dress. i wanna make them hurt just a little bit inside, enough to crave more.

zack reads my blog. how stange is that?

look people (dreams from shitty second week in january)

okay look. i write this blog for myself and no one but. i write this disclaimer for two reasons. one: JettBOY finally read my scott pilgrim blog. he asked if i would like to amend anything about it. i post a comment to his that said " not really. thanks". two: the next sting of dreams are from a few weeks ago. the dreams reflect how i was feeling about people, places or things. a lot of the dreams have lost lots of details because i don't feel the same way i did a few weeks ago. which brings me to my point. my blog is like pissing over the side of a river. they are just dreams and feelings. i don't need to amend anything cause it's in the past. dreams and thoughts are merely memories. a record of how i felt. it's okay to change the way you feel about things. i never knew it was alright. i'm trying to understand out how it works. just help me out a little bit here okay?

* tyrrell sleeps with my super cute asian friend. on friday night. i think maybe there is a gym or something in the dream. it's in a vast city. lots of cold streets with spiraling smoke. grey blue windows reflecting the outside world.

* in hawaii with paul. the beach is dirty, filled with food shacks. it reminds me of venice beach, even tho i've never been there. the temperature is low; paul and i are both wearing long sleeve shirts. the dream travels to my parents house but doesn't loiter long. i'm at my house alone. plugging my phone into the charger that's inserted into the west wall in the living room. i'm trying to talk to gail on the phone while doing this. did i leave her house, cause there were people there i was avoiding. is that why i tell her i'll call her back, when i hear someone breathing on the phone, besides gail? i tell gail i'll call her back. i hang up the phone but the breathing doesn't subside. it's coming from the loft.



a pudgy not bad looking girl pokes her head out of the loft. she's the one breathing really heavily. she looks like a cross breed between kristie and that annoying yet nice girl that was in my film class. she has a bad blonde bowl cut. i make me way into the loft. tyrrell and sophie are there cuddling, also sporting bleach blonde bowl cuts. tbone squeezes sophie and says something cute to her. there's lots of name calling and ear pulling. trashing of the loft and blurry eyes. do i accomplish throwing them out of the loft? there's graphic punching on the stairs. blood flying everywhere. is this when i fall out of the loft? did i dream that part? or does is just kinda happen. the house is quiet. i'm wearing a seafoam green evening dress. it's kinda like the one in that 'death in vegas' music video, only i hadn't seen it yet. i'm bleeding from the large gash on my right side thats about 8 to 12" long. i go into the kitchen. it's a little different from the real thing. it's like if you combined this house i use to hang out in when i was a kid with the one i live in now, that's what it would be like. the floor in the kitchen is browned with dried blood. tho i don't remember being in there yet. the old scale from my parents house is on the floor. doused with blood. i lay down next to the sink. i'm giving up on life, knowing jett will walk thro the door soon; finding me like a dead fish on the floor. as i rest down, cool blood slipping into the cracks on the floor, the doorbell rings. i psychically know it's jett, he forgot his keys. i get up and let him in. i walk into the living room cursing. i press on the side of the wound. blood slips out onto the floor. i guesstimate that it's 5-7" deep. i feel like the world in useless to me in my over done dress and i want to die.

we are throwing a party. it's post drama with soph and tyrrell. i'm still upset. and i'm trying to explain it to them. i'm in the other room speaking loudly. as soon as i walk in the room where they were i find that they are gone. poaulie is somewhere in the dream but i'm not sure where. what am i doing in the back of the house?

i'm missing a dream.

this shit is depressing. i feel a disconnect from these dreams, cause i'm no longer mad. maybe just a little bit empty. like when your father or your dog just died.

i don't understand.

was it when i told you, you remind me of this song, and you replied, why?,

his wicked sense of humor

was it the way i kissed you?

suggests exciting sex

the way my brain did laps around you?

his fingers focus on her

was it the salt underneath my nails.

touches, he's venus as a boy

my coy nature?

he believes in beauty

the other boy i kissed?

he's venus as a boy

or maybe my boyfriend?

he's exploring

was it the way your thoughts floated out your ears into my throat?

the taste of her

the touch of my hand against your ear?

arousal

my blonde hair?

so accurate

the texture of my skin against your hand?

he sets off

my taste in music?

the beauty in het

the way i looked from 2" away?

he's venus as a boy

your worries and my thoughts?

he believes in beauty

did your brain overflow?

he's venus as a boy

was is the way i barley grazed you, for just a moment in time?

dream from 01 05 08

fuck, what went here?

dream from 01 04 08

* refuge in the mist of nowhere. rachael is there. it's like a clothing store/sleep away camp/cult. intQ is there too with his wonkey eye flickering on and off. it has a red glow to it. are we being held there? what is going on?

so...

i'm getting laid off in about a week. i should feel in-powered to take the world into my own hands, instead i just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head.

dream from 12 28 07

* i'm at the old teen shelter next to the old blue monkey. has someone turned me in, did i turn myself in? i keep thinking ' i'm 19 i don't need to be here'. is it summer? hanging out with kids on the couch in the front. are we outside? am i wearing my leather jacket?

* in a hotelish room, maybe it's a room in the youth shelter. i'm with billy we are teasing each other. he runs his finger along the backside of my thigh, it tickles. cassandra ( from doctor who) shows up to reclaim me, or someone else.



there's this whole cat/dog thing going. is she humping someone's head. is it mine? the dream is very sexually charged, but i don't really understand in what way.



* being on a super hero talk show. going around in circles. in front of the camera, then back stage. there are a ton of people dressed up in super hero outfits waiting backstage. are they real super heros? am i a host? am i a super hero? do people wanna talk to me? am i famous?

something else happens, i can't remember what.

paco? i'm been dreaming about boys recently.

* i'm sitting in my bed. i pull out my neck piercing. there are people in bed with me, who? once the stainless steel is out i have immense trouble putting in back in. it's really heavy. ( it reminds me of aztec jewelry)

* making out with poualie. like really making out. walking thro a hallway, with low ceilings, and dim lighting. kitty head butting his shoulder. who's with us? we don't want them to know, about us. is it sophie?



* cultist people, brain washing most of santa fe. i think the leader, might be the crazy bitch from the mist. i'm trying convince this skinny cute boy not to drink the punch. i take tupperware filled with punch and pour is out on the grassy spot in front of the unemployment building.

opps..

i forgot to post the picture of the tyrrell , some where in there. i knew i was forgetting something. i'm anal enough for it to bug me, but am enough of a bitch not to post it.

i liked the killers for 24 hours.

where have you been that you don't know this?

THURSDAY



jett and i have been fighting for a while. on jett's birthday we had a party. tyrrell told me he wished there were two of me.



i kissed him. he kissed me.


SUNDAY



i went over to tyrrell's house to play guitar hero. we played guitar hero a little bit. we also played a little guitar hero a little bit . i told him i was an empty promise.

MONDAY (new years eve)

new year's eve party turns into playing spin the bottle.



wait back up.



i kissed on the swedish girl.



spin the bottle turned into people passed out drunk in the loft, while jett made out with christie and i made out with tyrrell. christie and jett fall asleep. there was snoring.



tyrrell and i stay up all night, kissing and talking.

no sleep.

TUESDAY



went over to my parents house. texing tyrrell. watched the big lebowski. my sister was a bitch to me.

WEDNESDAY



went to see southland tales with poaulie, jett, tyrrell and sophie.

THURSDAY

work. came home watched the rest of shoot 'em up. tyrrell came over we watched 'ladies and gentlemen the fabulous stains'.



there was kissing. went to eat with poaulie at il vicino.



sophie called me.



she came to dinner. the we went over to tyrrell's house to pay guitar hero. there was drinking. jett took us all to the bowling alley to meet chris B. and paco.



who were bowling the last game of the night. we all went back to tyrrell's house to play guitar hero. i passed out.



FRIDAY

work. called tyrrell we went and got food. went back to his house and played guitar hero and guitar hero. sophie called. she was bored. we picked her up with poaulie and went to the store. i danced and made sandwiches.



we all watched FLCL and fell asleep. sophie woke up to pee at five.



i couldn't go back to sleep, so i went and slept in my bed.

SATURDAY
woke up in a shitty mood. went to work while everyone went to breakfast. got off in the nick of time for everyone to go home.
poaulie, jett and i went to the tea house for chai. jett and i fought some more. i was in a bad mood and decide that everyone should hang out and do something. ( everyone being, sophie, tyrrell, poualie, and jett)


we went to the bowling alley.

sophie told me that she made out with tyrrell



over a game of target terror.



a black could settled over me, while i bowled the worst game of my life.



soph gave me option, but i didn't take it. we all went back to tyrrell's house. sophie, jett, tyrrell, and poaulie ( poaulie begrudgingly) played cranium



( the cool one soph got me for christmas)



i played guitar hero. jett was mad at me, he told me later. i finished playing one. we all went back to the house. paul went to sleep. jett, soph tyrrell watched black sheep. i cried in bed. i came into the loft and watched black sheep.



everyone feel asleep. i wrote a blog. i decide i had to get out of the house. it was around 3. i walked up san francisco street to the cathedral.



god's doors aren't open all hours any more.



back down to the st. francis, past the atomic, down water, onto cerrillos. thro sage's parking lot. to the kids house. his car was there. i drew a heart on the drivers side mirror. a light flicked on a few houses down. i walked out onto the street, and saw a huge cat running out of the corner of my eye.



the cat moved strangely, it sort of galumphed. it had this huge white strip running down it's back. wait a second, that's not a cat, it's a skunk!



the skunk ran into the next drive way. he didn't even see me. i walk toward the drive way. the skunk was coming around the corner, so was i. we both froze. all of the hair on his body stood up and his tail got fluffy. we stared at each other for a while. he turned around and disappeared underneath the near by car. i continued to my parents house. where i spent the night.

SUNDAY
i took a bath. went home change my clothes. poaulie, jett and i went to get breakfast. i gave the cute girl my phone number, i told her i wanted to cut her hair. i came home to a missed call from sophie and a tex from tyrrell. it was battle of the texing for the rest of the day. tyrrell seemed to be missing large chunks of reality; where as sophie read my blog and had my number. aw, friends, can't live with them, can't live without them.

i liked the killers for 24 hours.

i'm the stupidest girl ever.

a lot can happen in a week. a lot can happen in 24 hours. i'm tired of the world and the way i fit in it. my back stings and my soul itches. i don't think anyone did this to me. but am i really so stupid as to do it to my self? so, like there's this kid that i can't get out of my head. he's in lubbock texas. or at least in hoping that he's there, cause if he's not. well. he told me that he'd call me when he got back into town. so that was like going swimmingly and shit. ( well beside the missing him, cause i don't miss people?) but then, see there was last sunday, and then new year's eve night. and that was going swimmingly, with little sight of anything going incredibly wrong. but, no one expects the spanish inquisition. i felt it in here. she presses his hand against her stomach. this break, this disconnect. this isolation. i hurt myself today to see if i still feel. i brush the hair out of her eyes and tell her the only thing i know. i don't think it's any big deal. and it's not really the theme at hand. or at least it's like when i use to hang out with colin all those crab apple summers ago. it's not the him, or the her, or the him, or the him. it's me. there's something wrong with me. on the inside. i feel it eating at me. i know that i have the power to be a 'good' person. to love myself even, maybe. and yet, i yearn for this disappointing male approval. he's a prick and i'm the stupidest girl ever. i'm so lonesome i could cry. tyrrell waves devil like to me from across the mass of blankets and humans. i smile and wave back, questioning my body's response. he's so thick, i bet he has no idea. i keep getting what i 'wish' for. i should really watch it. i didn't wish for it to happen, but i said it was a fantastic idea. and then, to prove that i am, in fact, the biggest idiot ever! i told her she shouldn't mind me, and do it again. could i be more self loathing?! and really what bussiness do i have kissing on tyrrell. it's just, a lot can happen in a week.

i erased all my tex messages. it's like when you blank out your myspace account. or hang your converse out to dry on the telephone line. my soul has a flat, and there's no spare.

well at least i'm way better at guitar hero.

dream from 12 19 07

* mario brothers has something to do with jared. cutting his hair combined with mario brother's level two. he has the color scheme from level two, only everything is polarized. kinda like a negative.



*jett works at cheeks. he is in a joy division cover band. vocals?



* seeing hesista in her office(?). trying to pee in a cup cause there's no restroom. is the room kinda circular? lots of bright colors?

not dreaming about jared just thinking about him while i'm sleeping/ dreaming.

opps posting things in the wrong order. dream from 12 18 07

i'm posting things out of order. but no really reads my blog anyway so it's cool, yo. i'll more than likely go batty cause the dreams are out of order. then i'm post them in the right order, making everything i'm writing at the moment useless.

* dreaming that i have barley shoulder length hair. i'm trying to put my hair up in the parking lot of trader joe's/bike and sport. is my hair driving me nuts or do i like it?

... taking in our fingers the end of the golden thread...
What were the delights we felt in childhood before we gave our life
over to pleasing other people or being nurses to them, or doing what
they wanted done?...
Our work then...is not only to free ourselves from family cages and
collective mind sets, but to release translucent beings from
imprisonment and trance.

Robert Bly