she said to me once, that she didn't thing you really ever liked her. now i'm memorizing her lines.

for your eyes only : in bed in the morning.

Like a complete unknown

you kill me when you use my name

Ain't it hard when you discover that

i'm in bed trying very much not to think about you so i can sleep but i'm failing

He really wasn't where it's at

i'm not baiting hooks i'm just telling the truth

After he took from you everything he could steal.

you make me very happy

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose

i wanna feel you so bad

You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

i left for work today and was like " i've got a sukoshi girlfriend. yay"

i sure know how to pick 'em.

disclaimer: rubber jelly fish is my ledger. this is for me to remember.
05 28 08

K:

doesn't matter when i still have the losing hand. for you to want something from me. your still looking that makes me feel kinda lame. what do you want? was that a date last night? like? that really fucking sucks!!! your brushing me off allocution of your time and lack of communication that is shredding my feelings for you. i'm still here when he's gone. i don't disipir. if you like me you have to make an effort to keep me around. i wasn't put on this earth to be convenient for you. i really really like you and love being with you that's i'm so pissed and hurt i'm really fucking unhappy and confused by you right now. why don't we just talk next week. didn't you read any of my tex? it's mostly what you didn't do. that you didn't want me to do to you. u blew me off when i wanted to talk and you are still doing it. you stopped talking to me. yes last night and you all of a sudden stop texing me but you never called not ever to see what's up. i wanna discover what makes it work with you cause i love you. you meant to send that to jett? sigh you win. square frown. no it's me sad. do you even like me? it's misleading and hurtful when shit like this happens. then you shouldn't of told me that you were falling for me and that you like me too much. if you want to salvage anything from our time together this needs to be sorted out. sooner than later it got this way cuz you wouldn't talk to me. i had stuff on my mind 2o minutes of your time you attention and your voice is all i wanted. tex doesn't cut it. even that went sway. i said i wanna talk soon. i talk to you when i'm sleepy, anyway thats not the point.

phone conversation.

i'm not in love with you but i think i love you. sorry for being an ass.

S:

were you drunk last night. *i wanna discover how to make it work cause i love you* i don't understand i laid all my cards on the table for you to look at . no one has the winning hand. there is no four of a kind with me. i had it and folded hoping for something better. what do you want ? i want a friend to kiss and not to be upset because i'm trying to find what i want. i want the moon. i'll always still be looking. paco and i? far from it, but we like each other. i've had a crush on him for 8 years he's in town for a few days we are hanging out. your different for me too. ( reel missing in K's) i don't want you to be hurt and i don't want to feel like i'm doing something wrong cause i'm not. the harder one pushes the more i pull. no it's doesn't. what part of i have lots of boyfriends did you not understand? look i like you a lot more than anyone else i've meet in a long time. what exactly did i do? you right, when next week would you like to speak to me. your attacking me. i shut down when people attack me. what didn't i do? tell me what that is. last night? i went to a movie for a few hours i thought you might calm down a lil. i wrote you something that wasn't meant for you. i meant to say that to jett. are you in love with me? yes that's what i was just trying to tell you. no i didn't. :( let me know when you wanna conversation with me next week. yes, but i don't think you understood me when i told you i was broken.

05 30 08

K:

you already told me that. ... i'm sorry. i don't know what else to say. is it? what do you want now? yes. . . you? ( it's not what i meant) i hope you find what your looking for. last one. i'm falling to hard for you. what do you wanna do about it? do you want to do anything about it?no. . . it's not. it's okay sweety. .. i know. what to do. . . will you still hangout with me if i don't kiss you anymore. ok fine?!...u know that's not what i want. and how is that not fair. your not being fair but if that's what you want. . . as you wish. if i'm not being fair then what do you want? not be a jealous ass? sigh. . . i will try. if you will have me. hello? i have to go. sigh. no time for riddles i'm going to the ER. have not been feeling well. my chest hurts. like before i freaked out, it wont happen again. how am i not being fair. . .you wont ever tell me what you want from me. or that you even want to kiss me anymore. it wont happen again. it's out next week? u texted me.

S:

? you freaked me out, and pissed me off. it's not easy to do. fair enough. what do i want? me? i'm going to a movie with paulie. i don't know. me to. smooch. (opps i called kyle) last one meaning? i know. what are we gonna do about it? i can't answer that question. and i can't have a tex conversation tonight. trick question. i don't know tonight. what do you know? and what's that? i'll have to ask my lawyer. your not being fair bit if that's what you want....as you wish. your not being fair. you. and what did you mean? i said as you wish. ? . yea. i'm cold numb and devoid of any kind o love you wanna throw my way. im tried so tried. can you see me coming i'm so close now. how close that bathtub and white dog. what?! what happened? i'm sorry that sucks! i don't know what. but you did freak out. your a terrible lair. i'm sorry you don't feel well. i can't do this, this way tonight. you were the one who spoke of no more kissing. it's out next week yet. it's not. we were gonna talk next week. i give up. i feel like your trying to make me out to be the bad guy. i want you to stop being a jealous ass, yes! end of transmission for tonight.

i'm having a surreal moment while listening to garbage's

cover of can't seem to make you mine for the first time

lead into the ramones.

did i ever tell you about that night?

i'm waiting, i kinda hate waiting.

Jesus & Mary Chain

i'm sleepy

cat eyes in tacked

waiting for a phone call

searching tho the music you left in our imaginary apartment

my spelling has been miss placed

rancid mustered in the refrigerator door

he offered to reset the table

knowing it's hard to see the stars from here,

with so much candle light around

i bite my lip and ask them to spoon me

as i turn away

you holding her hand

her touching your head

and the shy way i look up at you

from in between my teeth

begotten, rubber johnny, and rubber loves

put taps on your toes and get gone

she measures your bread and i'm inthrall with the keyboard

so many in the closet

light barley pushing tho

square pusher

circle square

. . .

i respond with worn out love letters

of mismatched:

portishead, massive attack, and something else missing

pushing my head against the cool glass

pounder why you never asked about the toothpaste

everyone else does

but then again your not like them

the female humming bird outside my door is getting defensive

little buzzers on the way

sanitarium.

i look back on some of my old blogs

hoping some of my bitterness has subsided

but i wonder if it's just shifted back to rightful owners

i'd like to put it behind me,

see it on the path way and know what to do with it

8 year crushes

summer sids

kyle

jett

and everything in between

this is what i dreamt a year ago, to the day, expect it's a leap year.

*indoor pool. jett and i are in the pool. all of a sudden jett turns into a shark and is trying to eat me. it's like we are playing tho, b/c if the shark wanted to get me, he just would. he is playing with his food. i'm under the water and i see the shark dive into the water. the water is really deep and i'm trying to swim to the surface. i swim up to the surface and shark comes up right next to me and takes a big bite out of the side of the pool. i decide that perhaps playing 'tag' with the shark is not such a good idea. i start punching the shark in 'neck' (below the mouth).
*jett is taking a bath somewhere other than our house in real life. i'm his servant/wife, it isn't totally clear. he's like a master anyway. he gets out of the bath.the women/servant next to me helps him i think. jett leaves. the sevant and i are sitting next to each other on the floor; our arms resting over the ledge of the bath tube. water is draining out of the bath tube. there are mapel leaves/ other things in the bath. they are swirling around making symetrical arangements with each other. the things other than the leaves (they look kinda like marbels) start reflecting light all over the left side of the bath tube/wall. purpel and yellow, with white little dots. the servant makes comment of how 'magical' the lights are. the light is filling her with the urge to for us to 'embrace' . we are lovers behide closed doors. i tell her that altho all the signs are there that we should caress (the light is some kind of sign) at this moment we can not! i feel that same desire that she does.
* jett and i have just eaten at la boca, la boca looks much more like a twisted version of citizen cake. the whole wait staff is waiting on us, lead by this older women with short, dyed blonde, curly, hair. i'm tyring to get our check. the check doesn't come out to the right amount it's something like $8, 40 something, $8.46? i can't find jett. i'm looking over this guys shoulder, he's looking at the suicide girls' book. only it much more graphic. daniel lives behide la boca, and suddenly i'm with him at his house. it's his old house on kalamath st. we are in the living room, mid morning light it streaming in the large window. the place is thrashed. really junky, more like my house. or daniel's first house. daniel is eating cereal. i think there is a tv on the table.he asks me if i have a scar on my belly botton like he does. i don't understand what he is taking about. he's about to show me but then i wake up.

!omg my nails are short!