jett and i have the same quarrel over and over again. i tease him about exercising and he gets defensive. then tries to convince me that i should find some form of exercising that i like. sometimes i think he forgets that the thought of getting out of bed is enough for me to stay in bed. sometimes he doesn't know that i tease him out of jealousy. i can't decide where to go on vacation for fucks sake, the thought of finding a new form of exercise that i adorn sounds about as fun as a bullet lodge in my brain. i think its more that he perhaps is not thinking about the next week the way i am. the 8th, tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of my failure to be an individual person. free from a partner, free to do what i what, free to waste my life to my liking. did i have dreams and goals once? or was the plan just to get out of here. i'm not saying i wish i had never dumped jett i just wish that i had done what i set out to do when i dumped him. 3 years is a long time to trend water. finding new people to always to tread water with. i can't be alone for a week without wanting to crawl out of my skin into a bottle of whiskey and sleep there day in day out. my life was ruined everything that i had worked for was in shambles. it was time to start over to build myself a new life. a life in which i was happy and free, had a good job a beautiful apartment, and as many lovers as i could handle. instead i was drunk, shameless, pathetic all the dreams were gone. staying a float half awake was the best i could hope for. so when seth rang my doorbell a little more than two years ago, i couldn't resist. a boy that said all the things i'd ever dreamed of someone saying to me. and they were all true. things got so intense so quickly. the 13th marks our 'would have been' two year anniversary, it also marks the 6 month passage of time since he torn me down in my new favorite place (in santa fe.) a place that clayton and i had found on a walk in the summertime, we got rained on. things are so natural between us, clayton and i. i think we've met somewhere before. i used to think i was in love with him and i think i was once. but the more we talk and know each other the more i know that i love his mind, his intellect. i don't think we could ever be together the way i once imagined we could be. i've spent all this time, 3 years, 18 months, 6 months with people. when we all know i should have been alone. seth wanted me to take a trip with him, that i wanted to go on so badly. the train ticket, waiting in the airport. skipping from rock to rock to rock. he wanted me to be in love. something that i promised myself i'd never do again. something that i've broken and kept a million times over. after all this time, jett seems somehow healed, reborn. and i'm still broken, and have broken off parts of people in the process. did seth and i meet at the wrong time, could i have given him what he wanted had we meet at the right time? should i have walked away? would it have been the kinder thing. that day he made me tea and i cried it was winter but it was strangely warm outside. i laid in bed the rest of the day and he brought everything thing back to me and a present 'let go' by nada surf. we broke it off numerous times before we even technically started dating. village inn, jon's sister's birthday, eddie izzard, lost in two different worlds. the older you get the faster the beginning fades. phil feels guilty that i'm not in england, but if i really wanted to be there, wouldn't i be? if i really wanted to be with jett i would have been. sometimes i feel like everyone makes my actions more permanent than i meant them to be. then there's valentines' day which i've always hated. i think it's my only way to rebel against my mother (insert laughter track here). why i hate it so much i'll never know. making cell's, smoothies, being upset, velvet dresses with pink bows, sculptures made out of clay, bubble baths, calling you're mom, black calla lillies, batman, milk and cookies, chocolate covered strawberries, dinner and movies, plane trips to hawaii, black wings and lovecats. i can't look back on how mean i've been, can't look myself in the mirror.
there's to much on my mind and to little in my head. sometimes i say self deprecating things i hope that someone will argue with. i used to try to set my standards for my birthday so low that there was no way i could be disappointed, and yet i always found a way. falling in love for the first time was the best thing that ever happened to me. i woke up for the first time and saw the beauty that could exist in the world. falling in love is the worst thing that ever happened to me. when i entered into the gates of eden i forgot about my life before. when i was cast from the gates back into the world everything was duller than before, i knew that i had been alone before but i couldn't remember how to survive within it. i knew the pain already. i had already tasted the sorrow but lips pouting for fruit can't stand the taste of raw meat. who is lilith's equal?
why am i so afraid to fail that i don't even want to try? why didn't i ride your motorcycle, why don't i take piano lessons from kristann? go check out the wild hare, move to new york, jump off the cliffs.
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