dream from 11 18 07

lots of stuff happens in this dream but this is the only thing that i remember clearly.

*paul sitting on a low wall, hugging me. it's a long tender sort of hug. i touch the back of his neck.

dream from 11 16 07

sleeping on sophie's floor air mattress going down slowly.

* dreaming about sophie and this strange new place that i'm in that i've never been before. mixed into the dream is nicole and work and all that shityness. something about the way i was on the air mattress, and the deflating, my brain kept thinking that a cat was getting on/off the bed. funky huh?

dream from 11 14 07

things happen before that i can't remember.

* pauolie jett and i are sitting in this gallery space. ethan walks thro the front door. he wants to burn a cd. i walk with him to the back of the artless gallery. ehtan's physical form changes, but he stays the same person. he turns into a cross between jon/max. he hugs gives me a half hug first, then a full hug. he gives me a kiss and tells me he'll call me tonight so we can talk about hanging out. he explains that he can't call me at work b/c there's something fishy going on with a girl he works with. he's acting like he has to call me in secret. is she his girlfriend/wife/secretary? waking up disappointed.

dream from 11 13 07

*jake reading in sunroom. his shirt is open, in the dream he has a very hairy chest.

what else happens in this dream? why do i dream such freaky shit.

dream from 11 11 07

* i'm trying to decide if i'm going to rent a room from this guy. the room is tiny but it's a good deal. he reminds me of john's friend. the room is kinda in a business. is it in a salon?

*jett and i are going to have a lust filled shower, colleen is there. jett spins me round in some sort of foreplay. we are in a strange little room with a shower to our left. there's a bunch of vibrators and neckties and other silly things on the bed. we don't end up having sex cause jett is dicking around. is colleen invited or is she just taking a shower. do lots of people show up?

* i'm in high school. i don't always take the bus, but i do on this day. when i discover that ethan drives the bus that i'd take, i decide that i should ride the bus more often. instead of taking me home the bus goes to de vargas. at the mall is another bus in the south east parking lot. the bus doesn't move it stays there, it's like a hang out place. in the bus are a bunch neo hippie goth punks. everyone wearing clothing with skulls and bones on it. gail and sialia are on the bus. sialia's has a skull painted on her face, it looks really ghetto. gail and i wink at each other. gail first.



ehtan parks the bus on its side. i find a strange lighter in the bus. it's like a spark plug/zippo. i take it and show it to someone near by, paul and jett? i think one or the other of them says something about having one kinda like it.





* racine is at gail and zack's house. gail and i are playing inside with racine. zack is outside yelling and babbling really loudly. i step outside to see what's up. zack's carrying on. spouting crazy talk to a committee sitting around him in a large circle. i walk inside shaking my head. i explain to gail and sialia (who just showed up) that it's louder inside than out. and that zack impermeable. 'use you indoor voice' sia and i joke. racine has gone to bed since i've been outside. i'm sad. i wanted to hang out with her more. she's sleeping in my old room. is there rope tried around the door? john leaves to get indian food. did i want to go with him? do i go with him?



when you wake up to joy division, you think the world is ending.

portland 11 18 07

portland 11 17 07

portland 11 16 07

i want you around.

so i'm, like, really behind everyone else but i just started reading scott pilgrim. i read it on the second plane flight to see sophie. phoenix to portland . ( it's sophie's birthday today) so now i'm in portland. i'll have to tell you about my dream from last night later cause, my dreams are kinda back logged in the blog world. i'm in portland, it's noon, raining, and i'm listening to the smiths. anywoo back the scott. reading S P reminds me of my life right now. cause there's this guy i'm dating that's like knives chau,
only not cause his like three million trillion times cooler. then there's this kid that i'm all silly over who's kinda like ramona flowers. ramona flowers goes rollerblading thro scott's dream and he becomes like totally obsessed with her. so this kinda reminds me of my life, only it's more complicated than it sounds; because my relationship to jett is more like wallace's relationship to scott. wallace is scott's gay room mate, who owns everything in the house and pays scott's way. ( not like in a bad way or nothing) and they sleep in the same bed. only it's still complicated cause jett kinda reminds me more of stephen stills. you can see how this gets all confusing. the smiths give me goose bumps. i don't know the kid i'm all pashed over really well, so i'm not sure who he is, but i'm gonna stick with ramona for him. so in scott pilgirm he has to fight all of ramona flower's 7 ex boyfriends to keep dating her. i know this in some way plays into my reality, but i get the feeling my task will be a little different. so what's my task, can someone tell me?

do you think it's possible that i'm depressed and lonely, and this guy is really swerval, but that i'm only making my life really complex for myself? god i hope no one is still reading this.

dream from 11 10 07

* they are taring down the library. the library is magical and fantastic. the front of it looks like the entrance to the old spaghetti factory in denver. have i gone back in time? it feels like it's the 70's or something. or maybe i'm in middle school. the salon is next to the library and has the same fate. but in the dream the salon is like a old gigantic mansion that's been in the 'family' for centuries. we look thro old photo albums of the house. i tear up. back in the library i step into a room at the top if some stairs. when you step into this room you step on the top of another flight of stairs. when you are standing square on the platform i looks like you are floating in the air. the stair case leading up to the platform is like an optical illusion. there's another part of the dream where we are in an abandoned structure. this is the part of the dream that feels the most like i'm back in middle school. maybe cause it's the type of place you hang out in when you are a kid. it's like a hiding spot. but it's lots of people's hiding place. i think nicole is there. is it some kind of extension of the salon's new reincarnation? do i feel abandoned still? is my terabithia being invaded? i feel like i have so much more potential than i'm showing. is my creativity boxed in? would i feel more creative at work and outside in my art, if i felt like i had my very own secret place?

dream from 11 06 07

what can't i remember my dream from last night? nothing really, i know it was a good one. hmmm.

days later.

oh i remember now!

* i'm running thro a pitch black hallway. it's like being in heaven/hell. i can't see a thing. the floor is uneven, sometimes i'm running slightly uphill and sometimes slightly downhill. i'm in the show lost, but i don't know if i know that yet. it's like a fear factor test. i've ran thro the hallway so many times that i'm no longer terrified just scared. then something happens that i'm not expecting. i come to a dead end. has this never happened before? if i stop moving do i run out of oxygen, like a shark? i have a tiny flashlight. am i only allowed to use it in cause this happens? a little below eye level there is a card board section in the wall. i try to brake thro it, but can't. i take out my largest spike earring and poke a hole thro the colorful card board. i think it's a box. am i trying to get something out of it? do i retrieve something out of it, before i hear the other? i hear their voices, flick off the light and being to run, back the way i came from. am i going to worn my people? do i get to them in time?



* i'm going to a wedding, but am stressed because my hair isn't done yet. i have this long dark brown hair. i think i'm wearing some pink little girl dress. i go out onto the street. cars are backed up for blocks around. has an alien just landed or something? i have a strange feeling inside me. something happens that i can't remember.

dream from 11 05 07

*going to this strange movie. we are going to leave after the first credits roll. there's a whole other part of the movie that jett doesn't what to stay for. he says it's too dark and fucked up. it's basically a behavior modification. movie i'm still in the theater when it starts tho. jett has left a bunch of stuff in the seats that i'm trying to collect before i leave. some guy comes over to bitch at me, cause i'm moving all this stuff. thus making to much noise. he pisses me off. i apologize to the man sitting next to the seats filled with crap for making to much noise. maybe he's already reconditioned cause he doesn't really seem to care, or even notice me. i either remove everything or just give up cause i go into the men's restroom. the restroom is all marble with mold growing over everything. not to mention the hanging bodies with their faces covered. they are all hanging on/from the stalls, some are vertical others horizontal. i think paul is there, he tells me not to worry. the bodies are fake, it's just a halloween gag. in my gut, i get the feeling that those are real bodies. i sit down on the couch in the restroom and start watching a movie. there's a teenage boy in the stall at the very end, very close to me. he looks like he's dead. i'm kinda creeped out. then the kid moves and walks out of the stall. he says something to me like 'poop' happens. i responded 'yeah, i guess it does.'




*driving in a car with my parents and jett? picking up two strange guys one of them is named doctor popsicle. we put doctor popsicle in the truck. we take them home, which is a gigantic mansion. doc pop falls apart, asleep, dies? strange tile in space invaders form.



i missing something, what is it?

dream from 11 04 07

* ethan meeting my father. they think they are very similar, both wearing their grey sweaters. in the dream they are closer in height that they would be. it's my fear that they are both pisces. but in fact upon closers look ; i'm very attracted to pisces men in general. which i don't understand cause i don't think i have much of a daddy thing going. what i'm attracted to in these guys is very different from what i think of my father being like.

*throwing up in a super market or train, maybe? can't get outside to do it. it's blue, it feels tiny little balls inside my mouth.

*reel missing




*kissing a girl on the bus, while zombies lurk outside, near the deaf. girl dressed as nurse, kinda, blue texture in her dress with red crosses. she doesn't really kiss back. feels like dry chocolate cake. is she really ethan in my mind? ( i just meet a nurse that i'd do dope for. i mean could go for.) then being on the circle lope. ( paseo ) friend apologizing to bus passengers for me kissing the girl, b/c the bus stopped or something? my friend thought i was inappropriate maybe?

should i pick up writing again?

dazed apple pear cider.
lilacs in the fall.
goose bumps on my hairy legs.
shave.
you've forgotten all the bad poetry.
fake sun flowers, and dissmal begins
morph into boycrazy love affairs.

lost dreaming

*trying to shop of baby clothes for racine. i call flossy mcgrews' costume store in denver, wondering if they have baby clothes. i'm very close to the store. the clerk says yes, so i go into the store. the store is all bright and normal looking. nothing like the one in real life. the clerk that i just spoke to has no idea who i am. i tell her i just called, she still doesn't know who i am. they have some baby clothes that are kinda spooky. i think one of them has baby comic book characters on it.
* in bed, nicole is there. i'm leaning over very far. nicole and i ( and the rest of the world ) have the little energy plug ins that mac computers have. i'm talking about how strange it is that we have them. and that i don't remembering having it put in. do we feed off the computer, does it feed off us? are we part of the machine?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am i doomed to repeat february over and over. it's only november, how can the world be so cold and curl. treat me like fool. so here the deal, yo. my life is all topsy turvy and i'm redirecting my disgruntled opinion of the world into being, wait for it, wait....
BBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYY!
one boy more than any other. jett says the only rule is 'no falling in love' this isn't love or even lust. it's too much ramones, tangled up in pretty in pink with a dash wild at heart. i could say pushing up daisies and you'd understand what i'm saying, but i'm not one to get down to the point. what do i want? why am i doomed to feel this way when i get bored. how can i be bored i have so much to do, i'm running out of time; all the time. so this boy. the worst part is that i have no idea how he feels about me. i mean i know he knows that i exist, unlike that one kid, that went whoopsy! is he really gone? do i just need to do it and get it over with, it's gonna happen at some point or the other. should i really go fucking up this kids life for my own. i'm not even his type, i'm too normal and too fucking strange all wrapped up in one. his water i'm fire. i should be the one to make the, oh never mind. what am i looking for? it's not in someone else, is it? am i just lonely? do i just need a good lay, or do i want someone's hand to hold. i'm not very subtle. i'm just not. but how could i go about it. it's like in hi if this is not the type of person that's like, just in the phone. book. i can't just call and say let's go get coffee. paul says that some boys just turn it off when they know she's got a guy. i tell paul that just b/c he's some kind of super freak, male that most men aren't like that. i could always be wrong, i mean that would be funny and shit. there's a lot of lies floating around me. all i wanna do is look out of me and mine. as in my ass. what could i lose, would jett love me anymore. would i be like her? would he miss me, would they? what do i have to lose, to gain. would he think i was a freak, and totally out of my mind. i just wish i had mind control that's all it is. so that's he be the one. why is it the only thing i wanna do today? what is that? aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i think i like to make things more complicated for myself. i wish sophie was here for me to talk to. to much P D why is he so cute?!?!?! and him and him and him and him! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
stupid boy crazy bitch.