on/

can you remember that soft yellow light of october?

seems so far away all those feelings a flutter

now dust and ashes

remember the way your room felt in the first sunlight of hours

someone seeing you at you most candid

pill popping cold winter breeze at devotchka

wanted so badly to be wanted

very little you could do about it

you were the perfect fit to my not wanting to run around

and sleep by myself every night

so how come at least he and i can be honest with each other in our

backwards way

and you and i can't be friends

layered popsicles

and wanting there to be crab apples

but knowing there's not

sleeping in past daylight and there's no one home

flowers on the razor wire

shutting the window, cold and trying to sleep

dead phones, water based

and second hand smoke at mogwai shows

a lone soft whistle from far away

just to have you hold me again

the way you want to

cause i miss you

and i'm missing my Q and A

traded this time for late night scooter rides

tears rushing in past quite boats

ready to leave in the morning

sweaty with long hair and ink splattered across their chest and arms

what will i be when i grow up

am i destin so be elegant waste

i can't imagine being so expected for being so strange

is it talent? or is it what we are looking for

deep down inside us

self loathing and

public expectance

i don't think i could live with that

/ off

... .. ... .- ---

my sweetheart the drunk called today to tell me he was on his way over

we hugged in that way that could have gone on forever wondering who will pull away last

he smelled like a reminder of austin

he looked at me wanting to say all those things behind his blue eyes

i told him my dirty little secret that either he gave to me

or i gave to him

sorry for the news

i'm sorry to hear that

wondering what your hair looks like

i left my bible in my sweetheart the drunk's car

pages of black and white overly lapping faces off mom

blood pooling on the edges

as gloved hands scatted ink over the same spot over and over again

i can't decide if i've accepted amanda palmer as my personal savior again

or if i think she's the anti christ

'open my legs up for anyone who'll have me'

you asked me why i was reading it and i didn't really have an explanation

remember when i left

you knew i wasn't your caged serene animal

i don't care what you think about me

but love me

when you turned your back on me i hardly noticed i'd been looking at my feet so long

pretending i wasn't crying over what everyone else had but me

back to the point as you sat in your car and i was talking to jett on the phone

as you walked away and i said thank you

i wanted to say if you ever want to be friends let me know

'Sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on'

take all the metal out and polish my neck

life is so busy and i'm alone watching the sky grow darker thro tree branches

i was looking for you

i just had to take the drunken detour to find you

i'm easy physically

but mentally. . .

i'm melted

congratulations

now if i can just not get pregnant in the next month life will be good

god please don't curse me because i just put that in writing