. . i remember you all well. . .in the chelsea hotel. . .

what if everyone you ever loved was just a passing note, an eyelash as your eyes watched the flicker of life as you were dying. i can't remember your name only playing house, naked, and suspicious teachers. freckles, bathing suits and pretending the wall was you to kiss. freckles, liquorish chew sticks, and vodka soaked underpants, don't forget the camera. freckles blue eyes and your bra strap hanging out, and i take off your shoes. blue eyes, soft pink and smoke, slashes of blood and hate so good you can taste it. notes, stolen kisses, bicycle rides and everything else i'm missing. blue eyes, freckles and nails thro your ears, throwing myself, aspens and shooting yourself in the heart, don't forgive the 1984, i replaced it, don't worry. skull,s converse and i nevers, misguided loneliness comes alive against your lips, the ocean rushing in at my heart. i did forget, the joker, crazy girlfriends and i was born for loving you. brown doe eyes that didn't hold me down, just gave me what i needed, your sweetness overwhelms me. grey eyes, grass stains, and thumbprint bruises, how i don't miss our sid and nancy nights of couch foolery. you don't need a mention, lost nights in my bed, you took from me everything you could steal, good days, grave yards, and those blue eyes that reminded me of falling in love. and you, your not gone, at least not just yet, so i'm not sure what to say about you, expect your sweetness overwhelms me also, please don't leave me, just yet.

i promise i'll never.

i'll never sing as beautifully as jeff buckley

i'll never fall in love for the first time again

i'll never be a virgin again

i'll never love you the way you love me

i'll never be a mother

i'll never see you again

i'll never kiss you on that piano again

i'll never get pulled thro the park by you again

so sleep on the couch

i'll never see you the same way again

i'll never be skinny

or tall

rich or famous

i'll never learn to love myself as equally as i hate myself

what am i doing lost in someone new

who, as far as i can see thinks the world of me

you deserve someone so so much better than me

cold from the start with no love and care left to offer

you said take my love now, i don't wish to save any for anyone else

will i ever been able to feel this lusted after feeling

or am i to remain cold and unwilling

i feel like i've forgotten how, unwilling to find happiness

in the soft touch of afternoon light

i don't want all this bitterness take it away from me

even the way your high heels click down the pathway makes my stomach turn

i know you don't believe me, but there is someone better, for you at least

not you however

sometimes i wonder if you are capable of complete love

if my model is based off you, and it's only a fraction, friction, fiction

go away from me i'm nothing good for you

i promise i'll break your heart

i promise i'll still love you

i promise i'll still shy away from you

i promise i'll still be lonely in your company

i promise i'll still lust after you, and you and you ect.

why would you want me

can you not seeing the black bubbling from behind my eyes

heed my warning and run while this black hole of serena can't swallow you

for fear of a true human emotion

i promise i'll never. say. never.

hank williams on christmas day.

everything is in black and white as the giver takes my love from me.

goosebumps kiss my skin as the heat moans low on the tile floor.

i want to be you, and see the world through your lyrics.

nothings changed.

a few new tricks and an empty bottle of booze.

i've felt nothing and learned nothing new.

haven't loved or been loved.

and haven't learned to lie, either.

when will you turn the hourglass over.

it's my turn to run out.

must be my double, and i can't forget.

i want that new feeling of someone elses skin on mine, resting my head against theirs.

i want to fall in love, with you again, for the first time.ph

367 post, 365 days, or was it a leap year

and here i am sitting in bed, sheetless

listening to hank williams sing

i'd still love you

how time passes

when your getting colder

and older

and i love you still

i was born with a . . .

blankness covers all

my mother sent my a letter today

i'm listening to the prelude at the end

the end of what?

why does the thought scare me so much
incapable
for boys to love

is it because i feel incapable

please don't fall in love with her tonight

and you, knock it off already

but yes even now i'm starting to miss you

as the cold winter air crawls behind my eyes

and burrows in, to make my tears extra icy

to match my heart

if you go away. . .

goosebumps and all the boys i've kissed this year can't save me

am i so alone to be afraid

skip ahead to where it rains

and remember that fountain pouring over green fern leaves

wonder where you are tonight

especially like now when i need someone to hold me

i don't want to buy christmas gifts for anyone, be nice and look pretty

go fuck yourselves as i crawl into a dark hole

winter biting at my toes

i was so worried, thinking i wouldn't make it out of the cave

maybe you'll keep your promise

and i'll keep mine

scaring everyone off just the same

skip

back the the prelude

sometimes wishing i heard it for the first time, just now

no wait. . . . . .











































































now.

take all this love from my wild heart and

throw it out like rusted old ashes

i'm so tried of being this old face

with nothing new to say for it's self

i'm still cold. . .

. . . dancing next to you

humming hallelujah underneath my breath

i don't want you to see me crying

don't tease me with this ethereal belief of love

that no one really has for each other

sleep next to me and hold my hand

i'm pretending?

you tell me i've lost track

everything is slow at 80 miles down the road

i like when your going 100

and 15

20

watch as my head gets blow off

and i hate to think that you'll be a destained memory like may and june, and part of july

so far away from my lips i can't believe i let you touch me

tell me all your dirty secrets it wont change what i've done

i hope i live long enough that there is a bigger mistake than this

if you told me this was life a year ago,

what,

how,

why,

hallelujah

no not like that, i just have a new like for jeff buckley

and the inside of you arms

sh don't tell anyone

. . . it's a secret

your dad hates me

and everything comes rushing back to me

i worry that i'll never be good enough

and i worry i'll kill myself thinking that way

i hate when i fuck up the ending

and yea, i like closing time,

and i'm not talking about tom

and now i mean it

hallelujah

now.

bitterness consumes me as you pull my eyelids over my eyes

whispering sweet nothings thro my red veins

cherry cola hmmms to me as i go down for the long haul

wake up with your lips on my mouth telling me all about how you love me again

but your not the boy telling me

i love you

as he slides out

his face doesn't change from mask to mask

like yours or mine

your just nineteen, ready or not

tomorrow cover this grey with black

i wanna re write every beat poet in hell to be their muse

burn for me and my poison kiss

what are you gonna do without me for the rest of you little life

cough the night away

i know how to pretend when i'm next to you

lost when i'm alone, faking for yourself is so unbelievable

i wanna be the girl they all want

be skinny and pretty with nothing THAT important to say

we all grow old and die, so what are you waiting for

roll the dice and tell me how many kisses you want and where

i'll be your cherry cola, your sweet sixteen, your poison, your lost control

just drop the coin in the slot and i'll be the button you push

i hate men.

they are unless. i want nothing to do with them, unless i'm getting paid, or fucked.

my nipples are hard with the cold biting at them thro my stripy shirt. devotchka sings to me as i get sleepy over the thought of you getting off work.i haven't written since i met you, scared to curse the way we felt about each other, and to be truthful its made me a little rusty around the edges. i made you sick to your stomach this morning as my head and the wall were making love. speaking of, have you heard yet? i'm wondering if you like chocolate, and i wonder if the drummer was really looking at me. lovers come and go. i look back at these love/hate letters. little films of me crying, and i hope, just hope, i don't leave you in the trunk of memories too soon. i dreamt last night you were the antichrist and the night before that, that you still loved me wanted me and touched me. now my fingers are dry there's smoke in my lungs and it's about that time for ivy vs the little matchgirl.

stuck here, outta gas; i strip from driving to fast.

sessik

J
Q
I
B
D
T
M
J
T
A
M
E
C
C
G
O
K
P
A
M
M
T
C
C
L
K
D
J

sleep is for the weak!

something lovely.

i like your voice, i wish you weren't such a prick

i'm already wondering if i've worn out our welcome

thank god for a distraction from D tho

the strangest people make me happy

i'm right to have thought that pretty fagot boys don't make for good lovers

i'm over thinking it already as my hands grow pink and crack

and no one ever knows who i'm talking about, or what for that matter

i wrote you a poem the other day, in our secret hiding place

that all the teenagers know about

i can smell you

are we both to sleepy to see each other tonight?

when does something go from being excited and new

to old habit

i love when people sing with themselves

i'm so cold and lazy, wishing to just curl up inside my darkness

and dream

coldest bitch on the block.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..Subversive..
Date: Oct 16, 2008 3:27 AM


you seem like a cool chick.

seriously.

zombie walks?! spray paint?! are you really human?

my myspace page is pretty desolate- not much to show, but i can fill you in on some information.

I'm from new mexico, i bar tend, smoke, have a kick ass pit bull, 2 leeches, have been doing suspension for 6 years, love to travel, am excited GWAR is coming, and I'd like to talk to you more.

Ben

RE: flesh crawl


as real as the barcode they put on the back of my neck.

i hate leeches.

what does your day hold when you wake up to coin operated boy playing?

things on my mind:

boys, two of them, make that three. the third leading into my families whack morals or maybe ethics. i can't remember which is which right now. okay, four which leads me to the other thing on my mind. which is, that perhaps i shouldn't of linked my blog on my myspace for a brief span of time. nevermind, five! i wish you'd come get your bike, six, cause i wanna punch your asshole friend in the face. back to the one of the original two. i wishing i had either not kissed you, or you'd want to kiss me again. cause this whole in between thing isn't doing it for me. and to the second of the two. i don't mind being a secret, but you're strange. you keep me guessing even after i'm in your bed room. ( okay i guess that goes for a few others too)

besides that, i have a flat tire which has nothing to do with any of the boys, except maybe number one.

one you should like me/ stop talking about it and do it already
two your should come visit
three you should leave me alone
four you should comment
five your should come get your bike
six you should choke

10.6.08

my lip is raw from where you bit me a few nights ago. if she knew she'd kill me. i put on a tank top this morning and then was like 'wait, that's not gonna work' my nails need painting. it's turning cold outside and i made your 40 explode on the floor. i'm sorry. the things i write in pen rarely make it to the rubberjellyfish. i wonder if i'm more honest on paper.

watching someone babysit who loves kids is so exciting. then i'm happy it's not me.

i an.n.

a

fickle
One entry found.

Pronunciation:
\ˈfi-kəl\

: marked by lack of steadfastness, constancy, or stability : given to erratic changeableness

bitch
4 entries found.

Pronunciation:
\ˈbich\

1: the female of the dog or some other carnivorous mammals

2 a: a lewd or immoral woman b: a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman —sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse

3: something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant

4: complaint

24 hours to go, i wanna be sedated.

10.4.08

are you staring at me or am i in your staring off into vacant space spot. i use to want devotchka to play at my wedding but now i'm thinking i want to marry the drummer. i like watching shoes walking by and i think my career as polyisoprene is going well . altho i can already see the unwanted affects creeping in along the the fuzzy edges. waiting for you to pick me up at the tramway gas station kinda makes me feel like a whore and then it reminds me of that song you wrote for your best friend. there's light shinning in my eye but only for a moment. have you ever noticed me before would you ever notice me again? what is that strange noise? i think it's your voice. or maybe the idea of it coming out of you, i think. where are you? are they fireworks? my lip is dry and i think your car is red.

10.5.08

this is funny all i can think is there is a reason for everything. life's a riot with spy vs spy and the world is entertaining. i can't believe i didn't put my ringer on loud or set my alarm. maybe i had an inkling to this or maybe i was just hoping the drummer would wanna make out with me. you say i make you nervous where as you just confuse me cause i can't tell if you like me or not.

the way i felt about yous last week.

i'm so in over my head. my hair is driving me crazy. i know this is a bad idea like a really bad idea and i over did it with my little fox. why do the good girls always like the bad boys? maybe there's no danger at all and that's what i like about it. your fingers tumble over the piano keys as i rest my chin on your shoulder. drunkenly listening to to ideas float over the black and white keys. i think your the only 17 year old in the world that would know who chopin is and be able to play me some on your laptop to boot. maybe if i shaved my head all my worries would drift away. this hair has kyle written all over it. if you gave me the chance i'd tell every boy in the world that boys like him don't like girl like me. which just isn't the truth. everything has become mundane. i miss running my fingers along yours, touching and holding. just waiting to kiss you. now. . .i'm easy, doing whatever i feel like. i guess i wish you were thinking about me the way i'm thinking about you. am i really so bored that i want a boyfriend?

i think you just think your over him, and that you really like the way he kissed you. but he's so far away and he's good. like so good and as much as you want to be good, you just don't. but you feel like you wasted time and energy on kyle, so what makes this drugy musician any different? don't pretend it's cause he's got brown eyes. in a month you'll be looking over your shoulder going yea, no, what was i thinking and besides cory likes him; which is a sure bad sign. so he's either not interested or has had a crush on you for like forever and a day. why does that fire fighter keep looking over here at me? he kinda reminds me of this kid i went to school with. ( which is funny cause a week later, you do too) do you remember going out to dinner with sophie at il vicino and looking at that guy and then getting all shy? even sophie was like what are you looking at? i can't even remember what he looks like.

i think i'd rather be depressed than feel this way.

touch myself.

stars right, i'm gonna have a nasty scar on my face. there's spray paint on my hand, my hair and in my nose. i've decided to not sleep it seems. he's back in town and i wonder if you want to lose my number. i mean, what me to lose yours. i'm bored of being lonely, so bored i'm almost tried. i'm acting like a teenager listening to the same song over and over again. thinking about nothing that has to do with a real live you. did you find me tedious? am i gonna get caught? i saw you looking at me thro the window, could you see me smiling back with hate in my eyes. i wanted to punch you all day. and worse than that, for you, i just smiled at you and ignored you. you didn't deserve to touch me. but then again i'm always trying to convince boys they don't want me, so what do i know. sometimes i wish my skin was endlessly smooth without things underneath and on the inside poking out. get down on your knees and do anything for me. i can't remember the end of the fall. and it all has crystal meaning. splitting off into thousands of directions, and here comes the same helicopter. am i sick of this song yet? 3.21. how about you, can i be sick of you yet? i forget that time moves on, and that if we are lucky we have another day to get what we want. i use to be so good at being patient. look at me now. i want you to love me. i smell like shit, and need a new pair of lungs. why is it when people tell me sweet things i think they are lying? you have a pretty voice, to bad i can't do anything with it. obsession comes in the form of lazy day summers, turning into cold evenings. sitting at the atomic too early, eating green chile cheese fries. sophie's brand new blue converse, and rain falling out of the sky. sitting in the graveyard winding grass along brass and stone. everything smelled like pink, i'd give anything to get my wisdom teeth out again. i lost my point, find the new razors, stolen and given, and i've rambled on to long, time to pretend to sleep. maybe not just yet. no yea i'm lost. i think i use to feel this way alot. earlier this year that is. seems like nightmares and days ago. it was and i wasn't. i want to be storing for the winter. not get left out in the cold like the grasshopper. but you can't store people, they don't keep like jam. my stomach is lonely, i wonder what it wants. maybe the sooner i nail the coffin shut i'll feel better about the thing inside looking back at me. with those, were they bright blue eyes? or soft and gray? they couldn't be brown, that would be far to simple. i wonder if my hand would light on fire. i touch myself. the goosebumps of loneliness consume my skin. what do i want from you? it's the first. i think i'll always get my horoscope backwards. hi?

my sources say: have you considered knitting?

i'd rather be depressed than feel the way i'm feeling. losing my mind. i'm not happy and i'm not sad. but i not okay. i'm obessing. so badly that whatever comes of my obsession will not be what i desire. have you ever gone thro getting rejected before the person actually said yes or no? so do you ignore the 17 year old boy to get his attention? sigh.

garbage.

can i press the forward button and skip this one? it's not worth my time and energy. i fall asleep and dream wondering if you'll send me a message in my sleep. again it has nothing to do with you. i'm wishing for someone i can never have. i'm repeating myself. i wanna lose control and be taken over by this old familiar song. lose power and go in the ocean i can't believe that i didn't go in the ocean. you couldn't even pick me up right, you fucking loser. i never deserved this shit you've put me thro. you fucking asshole. i got exactly what i asked for, i wanted someone to hate and now it's your lucky day. cause i kinda hate you and your little dog too. i can't hate you, you rebound fuck. the only ones i don't have hate for are the one night stands; the ones that just lost interest. just like i did. men lose interested so much more quickly than i do. they move on where as i move up. sunrise as the waves are crashing, i'm riding my bike, or falling sleep. pam and daniel's bathroom smells like febuary. and i still love you, don't worry, i'll always love you. i wanna play something. make music have a voice and be someone you would want. the only thing black and white i tap is letters, and numbers. i could never write lyrics. just wouldn't suit me. will you throw me out when it gets cold. will you still feed me when i'm 64. i hate how close you got to me, the real me and i wanna let someone in full force,. let them get more than you ever got. i want the fickle little bitch romance, something i never got in high school. never say i never. and you fucking lair you loved ever fucking last bit of it. you fucking piece of lying fucking shit. ha! i just typed that to you on your fucking keyboard. shit eater. i hope in some ways that you never find happiness. i'd slap you i you were here in front of me. i'm calm, god i'm calm. okay breath. pork. and mr. brightside. smells delish.

gray crowds

29/08/5/36

obsession becomes you, cigarette after cigarette .i've removed your voice from your face. your nothing if your not obsessed. i can't stand the way i'm feeling and it has nothing to do with you. your just the innocent bystander. i want you so badly, and next month you'll be gone. i don't think you mean anything at all. i think you remind me of him in a strange way, i'm wishing for fall light and freckles. how can you remind me of that, when you don't have anything to do with the way he looked or smelled. i can't smell you, clove in my lungs, and stupid words at my finger tips. slap me, hit me, break me. say you'll be mine for only a matter of time. it's growing on me, and i think i even like it. i'm listening you thump those keys till hate fills up in my lies. i wanna lose control over you, and get everything bad i ever wished for to pour over me in one big gulp. but then i have to remember that you'll be gone tomorrow nothing more than a lost worry on my pretty little head. so do it. make me what i am just for one day. pathetic and useless all at your command. i wouldn't know what to do with you if i even had you. and this is why i don't let people in, read this shit that drifts out of my fingers. something wrong with me? i wanna fuck you, rip your eyelids off, wear them as butterfly kisses. i want to become you, just like a cure song, only better. i always wanted to be a boy. tall and skinny with converse, and blue eyes; with a thirst for notes and synth music. can't stand this any longer. the best part about getting over you is not knowing if you'd say no or yes in the first place. i tell zack i want a painting with color. i don't cry until 105 minutes into control. what's become of me? am i over you? or am i over being over you? what is this i hoping for, another disaster? i wish i'd never meet you kyle. you could take timmy too for all i care, and marshall. grind my finger nails into my flesh. trainspotting made me worry you'd cursed me. but now i just smile, because i look like a young ewan mcGregor with my head shaved and my face making funny faces. maybe cory's right, maybe i'm just tried of sleeping by myself.

i'm sorry i ruined your life

if i didn't have a back ache i'd write you a love letter

i forgot the heat, my body puts off when i'm actually hurt

i should have taken one of those apologies off you

i give up

gail

zack

sialia

jett

mia

no ones loves me like you do

no one makes me cry like i do

please don't open the door to slam it in my face

i don't belong here

if you go away. . .

i hear those first few bass notes, and everything rushes back. warm/cold winter/spring days when we leaned all the way out your window with butterfly wings. smoke trailed out of our mouths as we talked about everything. but i'm getting behind myself. those notes on the bass and whining vocals remind me of dim lighting in your room after dinner. sitting on the floor with a knife in your hand slicing up the top of your forearm. no worry, no guilt, no pain on your face. slice, squeeze. animatic blood cutting perfect lines into your pink skin. like that pink see thro top you use to wear. you use to do this thing where you'd press your fingers into your sternum right next to your breast and readjust something with your other. it was magical, and you did it ALL the time. perhaps it would have been least incanting if i had anything to adjust. never the less something about you doing it in the pink shirt was to die for. and i always teased you about it being pink. back to the black and white photos of cool air and smoking outside your window. do you remember the photo that you took of my from behind? shirt around my legs. back arcing in your camera shutter. god i loved you. sometimes i wonder how two people can be so close for just a moment and then so far apart. other relations pale in what we had. maybe it's not who i think it is setting the standard for my boyfriend material. maybe it's you. making it extra hard, cause, your a girl and junk. chills every fucking time, man. burr.

sometimes i feel like the main charter from it's a wonderful life. always talking about all the places his going to go, the people he's going to meet, things he's gonna do. i watch girls my own age go off to all the far away places that i wanna go. and i pounder, if i wanna travel so badly, why don't i? they wanted to and they did. what makes me so different? is it that daddy floats the bill, they go and do whatever the want on someone else dime? maybe, sometimes but it's not always that. they are creative and find ways to do what they want. they are out going, skinny and playful. making new friends, and once again traveling. so if i want so badly to travel, why didn't i do what they did? teach english, go to collage, be born friendly, perfect and outgoing? my hatred can develop in less than 386 images, for someone i never gave much of a shit about, one way or the other. will they be famous writers traveling the world over, while i'm stuck having a 'career'? yep i'll be george bailey holding down the fort, drinking my life away, settling. it's not their fault i'm to coward to get up and start my life the way i've told myself i want it to be. maybe i just worry that instead of making new friends i'd be setting in cafes alone. wishing i was sitting alone miserable somewhere where i spoke the language. but maybe i'm being to hard on everyone. they will freak out, student loans floating over their heads ( unless we're going with that daddy idea) collage degree doing them no good, and find work at a coffee shop, realizing that they now have to start their lives. with any luck that will be about the time, i've decide to grow a pair, throw caution and worry to the wind and become a traveling stylist. by the time they are having kids, i will be opening my own shop in one of those said far away places. they will be envying me, as they sit, bills and little person laundry above their ears . and i'll envy them, cause they will have the family. i can never have. i'll still feel very much alone. unless of course they just join the peace core, and foil my entire judgmental foresight. in which case i can be like, 'whatever bitches i've got running water! ah!'

and another thing!

why do rich people gotta be so unoriginal and boring!?!?

childish i know.

i'm tired of looking back on pages of the past hoping to find glimmering foot notes and little cupids. i'm looking for my answers in the past hoping to change the future. sometimes it feels like i've learned nothing at all, especially like now when i need someone to hold me. last night a fox bite me, in my sleep, in my dream. remembering all those childhood stories with your name on the cover. i promised myself i won't do this again. letting the keys of time fill up with sweet, soft, harsh and real desires of something that i think is too good for me. that in fact is merely wearing the right mask at the right time. saving me from my loneliness, for a moment. i don't want another tyrrell or another kyle. i just want it to work. all that water just gets in the way tho. blue eyes, to close to that crisp fall day. did birds sing at your funeral, or just fly scared; from the sound your heart made. i've had a taste of blood and i want more more more. my childhood dreams were filled with chilled air and soft green covering everything. why does everything we hold for the future turn out so. . . bland compared to the daytmares and nightdreams our overactive imaginations comes up with. rainbow colored lights, asking for your number, cause your not in school today, holding in, too much. i'm a stupid sap for something i can never have again. with you or with anyone else. but i'd like to add that someone has knocked the running mate completely out of second. and if your not careful he might pull ahead to make first. so you better let me change your mind fast. my neck hurts and i'm dreaming of something far away, right here, and bittersweet.

the birth of pleasure

i'm sitting on my bed looking out onto the fall light. wings flapping in my eyes brushed with crystal. your voice soft on my ears; raising goose bumps on my newly shaved legs. fall is this amazing fleeting feeling of love. you know it's your last moments before the train takes her far away, every movement of your actions poignantly directed. time crashing by the wayside. there's something about hearing old sounds in new ways that makes me nervously excited. kinda like the way you kissed me last night. my cold skin, the fall light and music are floating together becoming one with each other. so few lines and so much said. surreal nights of bergamot and fancy vodka. shyness bracing on movie moment awkwardness. sleepy code for kiss me. the cure. kiss me kiss me kiss me and my toes curling over something better than familiar newness.

too much . . .

kissing



said



hen

i just erased what i wrote

on purpose

i(t) made me sound crazy

and i'm not being crazy right now

oh, fuck.

the day that beings after the last day of my life.

old notes on guitar stings

and

sweet voice in the distorter

remind me of watching the rain from that cold brick floor

lazy lost days of love and pain

and now i pear out the window of a different life

my suitcase unpacked, messy on the floor

cold white goosebumps shiver up my legs as the sky turns grey

and i can't remember last week

you sleep like the undead hogging the bed

planet terror, apocalypse now

and two things i've never liked before

last night

i should of told no one

and kept myself a little secret

the most important person to me today

won't exist tomorrow

remember his voice cutting thro all those blades of wheat

covered in frost

i've given up on begging

or conversating

my skin covered in blue, yellow, reds, blacks and greens

i'm yours

i close my eyes and sign off letting the world wash over me

save it for tomorrow.

It doesn't seem fair that you have to address an unpleasant situation again;

once should be enough.

can you handle the truth?

ask and you shall receive.

what did i do to disinterest you?

i counted wrong.

packing with no where to go?

die for

your bite marks on

even if it wasn't 'sweetly'

empty bedrooms and sweaty clothing

If you try to turn the situation into a personal gain,

your efforts could backfire and do no one any good at all.

Oh, I can’t get you off my mind.

All alone I bear the shame,
I went and broke my darling's heart
All I do is set an' cry
Do you think that it’s smart to jump from heart to heart?
you have no heart , you have no shame
Just a kid, actin' smart,
I was a fool to wander and astray
I run around in circles
Take these chains from my heart and set me free
I guess that I - should not complain
I guess I was too young to know.
What ev’rybod - y knew but me
. . .
I love you still - you win again.


I used to be the patient kind
I tried to but I couldn’t wait
Left my gal an' left my home.
Oh, heaven only knows how much I miss you
My folks think I’ve gone crazy
And all night long I ’ve cried
Take these tears from my eyes and let me see
The silence of a falling star
And hold you just the way I used to do
I can’t help it if I’m still in love with you


And as I wonder where you are
I'll be locked here in this cell
The midnight train is whining low,
I heard that lonesome whistle blow
No more lookin',
I know I’d still want you.
Till my body's just a shell
Give my heart just a word of sympathy
But I’d be just as blue
No matter what you do
Just a spark of the love that use to be
Go on an break you crazy heart.

would you...

...still love me if

you knew...

how many scars are on my legs

the names of all the boys i've kissed

i was writing you a broken love letter

making you a mix tape

about all the emo i like

the way i fooled him

the way i kissed him

the way i used him

the way i feel about her now

and the ways he used me

the reason for the burn

if you read this

if you knew about him

if you saw me, in that way

if you snuck into my dreams at night

if you tasted me and i was different

if i told you i

hated you

loved you

wanted you

needed you

if i wet the bed

packed up and ran away

said wait they don't love you like i love you

asked you to change your mind

and kiss me in paradise

just one last time

forever

one liners

one night stands

hank williams

new nails

good boy crushes

break up smell

only in denver

forgiveness far to easy

la choza

shaved heads

useless, meaningful fights

secrets

new muses

broken ipods

con

new cuts, and white tape

rad

and

art school good byes

chrome

and

lunch

is ready

H.K.W

i'm just window shopping

not looking for real love

giving out my kisses

you put you win again on my mix tape

not your cheating heart

in the difference

explains my loneliness

and our relation to one another

i haven't been depressed enough to write

and everything comes out sounding like

clunky notes and guitar strings

i can't help it

if i'm still in love with you

. . . you'll be permanently lonely. . .

. . . running lonely. . .

sometimes i wake up and my heart feels heavy

i dreamt of two completely opposite desires last night

kissed you on the mouth and you kissed back

standing a top those triangular stairs clutching you from behind

he says don't hold him like that so you take my little hand in yours

as we throw light out onto the dull streets of suburbia

blood brothers, mouth to mouth

and letting the bruise out

where are you tonight

and will you ever come home again

and what about me?

as i wonder why sunlight didn't wake me earlier

which long lost love makes me heart so heavy this morning

.lol.

don't let the door hit you on the way out

i jump out of the shower

ian singing low to me

"they keep calling me

keep calling me

keep calling me"

the last time i remember being part of a sunrise like that

gives me warm shivers all over my body

you were crying at sun dogs who did laps around the moon

and then once again the sun

i'm so blissfully lost in angry

i have nothing but joy for the world

thinking of you

as i'm to impatient to watch the sunrise by my

lovely lonesome

self

not lonesome

just alone

i pretended i was back in paradise

carve your last wishes into my skin

i wont need it where i'm going

new dawn fades .away.

and you aint seen nothing yet world

it's at the end of lonely street. . . .

you'll never grow old

and you'll never die

i'm sleep walking

thro the streets yours and my eye's use to see

i sound so fake and it's in that

that it's the most real you've ever seen me

he tells you everything

and i tell him everything

where do i lay my head tonight

so close to home i can almost taste it

the chelsea hotel where i can almost hear it

the heart break hotel where i can almost see it

so whhhhyyy can't i touch it

8 months

and give or take

5

to

6 days

i've got a smile on my face

and only two coins

to take me right over that rainbow

fork off

i feel like i'm standing at the cosmic fork of life

with everyone i've known or know

loved or hated

the ultimate limbo has rested on my shoulders

asking

"serena, which will you choose, who is it gonna be

which you are you gonna pick"

love will tear us apart

again

jett says i'm making a mountain out of a mole hill

and the day before

08 08 08

i realize what my number is

and it's the same as yours

you keep telling me that you love me

i love you

and i keep wondering if you

love me

or are in love with me

megafaun

lazy suicide

the ways you rang in my ears

all those hot bothereds and late atomic filled nights

kiss her goodnight from me

and take this lonely wonderer away from my home

it's the stranger song

soft on my new lips

and why did i kiss you

it hurt a little

so back to the fork

up or down

to be alone?

i guess i could leave you all at the cross roads

pick the road not taken yet

ride my bike pass all those volcanic kissed pants

to the cemetery of lost boys and queasy stomachs

what if it was me who got rapped instead

would i do it, to make. . .

nevermind

i never knew what you wanted for yourself

gotta pee

and my knee burns

he says my chances are better than ever

but we all know that doesn't really mean much

why do i always stay to the breaking point

i could get up and leave in the middle of the night

and then you'd be the one left holding the bucket

it's not true

i want to be respected

and that's where it all doesn't work

i need to know the respect of my own

so that i use you

and you don't dare use me

i don't want to be your girlfriend

i want to be your equal

tell me which path you wanna take with me

lead me away from the chelsea hotel

i hate this sentence i've given myself

i know you can't and won't

your right i need to do this on my own

i'm tired of the skipping from rock to rock

when i should be skipping rocks instead

walk on the water with me

it's a fork in the road

but more like the way i use to draw trees

the split is different for everyone

and i don't even know where to begin

02 08 08

It doesn't seem fair that you have to address an unpleasant situation again; once should be enough. Nevertheless, you cannot let go of your grievance if someone abuses a position of power. You are likely to fight for an underdog now, even if there's nothing in it for you. If you try to turn the situation into a personal gain, your efforts could backfire and do no one any good at all.

other point of view.

two for flinching.

i'll stop the world. . .

take back the last 13 weeks i don't need them

fall asleep and your gone again

your my best friend

i like the way that sounds

you never played me for a fool

like everyone else

and when i told you respected me,

i should have known

it was just the way i wanted those blue eyes to look at me

she coming back

and i've lost control again

there's nothing you and i won't do

i'll stop the world

and

melt with you

you were on my list

no one should lie about falling into your eyes

blue from the start

fill my heart with useless crab apple blossoms

i threw myself away in you

and when i threw you away

i went with you

you lasted seven days on my top 5 list

can you hear me in the middle of the night

coughing

one kisses me and tells me he loves me

that one kisses her tonight

one has eyes like memories i once loved

he'll kiss her tomorrow night

one knows me, me, me

not the cheap knock off

when he'll kiss her i'll never know cause he doesn't kiss and tell

or keep secrets

i mean make promises

i make such a better man

and i think i annoy you

but it's just the white whale on your mind

as you follow the white rabbit

not knowing which is which

i hate myself

and wish all the ways of myself would escape out of me all at once

april is the cruelest month but i lust for her soft lips of disaster

07 31 08

You may feel as if you are waking up today because the pace of your life quickens significantly. And although you are doing better now, it's crucial for you stop long enough to see what's really going on. If you don't spend some time in quiet contemplation, you can easily convince yourself that someone is perfect, only to realize that you fabricated the whole scenario to match your dreams.

good day.

brought to you by Timothy La lane FitzGerald

heroin.e.

maybe i am learning things

i just don't know it

somethings changed again

and i knew that the life i was returning to was not the life i left

and nor will it be if we ever come back to one another

things let slide around me that you don't mean to say

and like duh we are going up there

it's the only place to go, to see

a map, a birds i view

talk of her light colored nipples

five bucks

walking to close to each other

and jack daniel's

i'm good at being whatever you need me to be

and your confusing already

' this is my favorite part'



she skips down the steps and sits on top of my head

wondering why i don't look at her the same way anymore

have i lost all love for the great unknown

and my place in it

i've become like her in so many ways

and yet so far from her in so many others

is that you?

no, unless you missed the house

again

i can feel it

this is gonna be a good one

'tell me why. . .'

/ 04 28 08 /

i'm in so much trouble.

paper, tape, Withnail

& I

i wonder how you are.

why do i always think the worst of people

that all they are going to do is hurt me

tear into to me as hard as i tear into myself and them

i have nightmares and restless sleep

and letters from my best friends when i wake up

my little life got a little more complicated yesterday

i'd say those words back to you

i always wanna kiss first

they always say ' i love you first '

it's not that i don't

it's just that

i love you

and i'm in love with you

see there's a difference

like being punk

and being punk rock

big difference

i wish i could learn to relate to everyone

is the nice, human way your are supposed to

but then again as we like to joke

i was raised by wolfs

every time i've lost hope in myself

and the world around me

someone makes me cry in the best way possable

and just for that short moment

my true colors shine

There are no dictionary entries for arc lab, but arc, lab are spelled correctly.

4:29

when it comes to shitty breakup music nothing beats the killers

i can't sleep at night

and i won't eat a bite

i'm on the joy division diet

i got all fat in seattle, but you say you like

like everything

is this going to get easier or harder

hurt used and abused

are three words that don't fit me

i have no emotions

i am a robot floating thro space

looking for which way is up

smile like you mean it

and if the answer is no

can i change your mind

glass in my bed

and spoon tattoos

i needed a reason to return so badly

and now all i have is dirty sheets

and feeling i need to tell you all about it

"i'm coming home with you tonight"

i think i defend from the same side i strike from

which would clear up the question of why i can't get a good hit in

i really hope you can't laugh at me

will you drive me?

smile

i was so drunk that night

. . . . . .

found my next boy tonight

his not from here

covered in tattoos

shave head

and i think jett caught me looking at him

change the music

hold on

" how'd you rude and reckless?"

what's next

morning after the night after

and i've never been dumped before

should i let you read this?

i hate myself

i gave myself

i have myself

i gate myself

i gaud myself

why am i so useless at all this?

can't do with you

can't do it with out you

she sounds perfect for you

like the girl i always wanted to be

you're from the ocean

and i'm from the desert

" she dresses like a prostitute

has a short temporary

is covered in scars

and chain smokes"

'and she's your girlfriend'

"and i think i like her"

kick me to the ground and you know i like it so much

that's why you don't do it that often

"i never got over you"

'i know'

it's not heart of stone anymore

but i don't know what it is yet

"i knew i'd fall of you"

how is it that i'm clever enough to play the cards so that i get hurt

'can i still call you sailor?'

i'm tried and bitter

' guess i was right about that one'

' do you think i'm special?'

'look at me'

goodbye kisses are never like hello kisses

" if i didn't think you were special i wouldn't be crying into my hat"

'i miss you'

i always have to have the last word

memory is a stalking horse

tuesday july 22nd, 2:25

remember when i said it mattered how hard you put me down

well, this makes me feel a little rough.

to say your something special might be an over statement

but, i did like you enough that i didn't want you to treat me this way

knowing it would happen again

look myself in the mirror and promised i wouldn't care

i'm almost home now, and almost okay with it

trying to let myself have these feelings so your not another tyrrell

and we can actually be friends

instead of me secertly wishing to rip you face off while she looks away

try to type as i look out the window at the planes coming in and out

teenage boys cum so quickly

i think it's the only thing that men learn to control

ejaculation

the less a boy cums the more i like him

g/e/ took for fucking ever i thought my hand was gonna fall off

that plane looks like a fish

but on the over hand,

i've never fucking seen a boy shoots cum that far before!

i mean like for reall! it got in his hair and everything!

i keep a close watch on this heart of mine

i promise give me a week and you can even bring her over to my house

i like you don't take it the wrong way i

just can't be the cattle you wanna put your brand on

i never even fell for you

skip right from the first love gut falling out feeling to

drifting apart long time lovers

you say like too much

i like you way too much

wait okay let me remember

option one:

DTMFA

option two :

stay and get hurt

option three:

stay knowing it's gonna happen agian

and not fucking care

i told you there was no third option

you and i are just substitutes

i was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth

god this music video like totally sucks

fade away

and see who comes into the darkness for me

i bet it's not who you think

and he says i have to do it on my own

maybe it's not his choice it's mine

should i dump him before he can ever dump me

?

is that what i did to you

it's not that i even like what i write

i just like the way it feels to let my hands float

over the keybroad and jab at keys now and then

why do we get goose bumps not only when we are cold

but when something

...tickles us in just the right way

i was the coldest most heartless bitch the world had seen that day

i'm sure that's not true but i like to think about it that way

the hallway in the ace hotel smells like my first summer.

fuck it.

i hate all of you.

stop reading my blog.

it's useless and full of shit.

flavor of the week

is it me or her looking up at you

i hate everything about myself these days

want a total redo

everything from my hair to my shoes to the boys i like

i go out of town and we all play

don't mind me i'm just relapsing into having feels

i assure you it will pass

what a fucking loser

and why does cory remember my name to match my face

if i were a teenage dirt bag baby. . .

i knew there was no third option

i guess i just have to think about it being the end of pretty in pink

the only way i could handle it was knowing that

blaine would break her heart and

duckie would be the shoulder to cry on

why can't i be the one with the hot mouth?

i needed someone new. . . (no wait. come on.)

. . . to dislike and taste

there's a reason i dated you

more over these a reason i never had a teenage boyfriend

it's pathetic when people turn out to be just like you thought they would be

i'll just learn to stop listening to solvent when i make out with boys

my mouth tastes like metal, and you kiss like a girl

i liked you better when i was shy

we've found your replacement and he ups you, in cuteness and in prick hood

i need someone to love or hate to write about

and with my heart of stone in my mouth i don't feel much of anything

it's what i've told everyone

it doesn't matter if you make the top five if you stay on it

only one thing stays above the top five

would you be the same?

even you?

he adds 'and you had a boyfriend'

yeah yeah

you still wouldn't be a good

shmail

leave the door open

and don't let it hit you on the way out

boring

but i like your voice

and i regret nothing

unless it's between you and me

and that one other thing

all's fair in love and war

they should be the same word

and me the king of the world

who will i be today

dark or light

regret or rejoice

myself or another fairy tale to tuck you in

i'm glad your friends don't like me

all the more for me

it' hard to feel like you used someone instead of the other way around

when you didn't get much from them

it's not true you were perfect

and just want i needed

he looks around the corner at me

and i ask ' i thought you liked banksy'

you should of know better

but don't worried i'll just ad you to the list of boys

that see me as the naked 19 year old girl on the floor

you, however do not make that top five

or come even close

damn it my sheets are dirty all over again

07/11/08

i counted wrong.

301

double rubber bands

and endless rejection

skin grows over my eyelids

and maybe your critique of aries is true

my gums bleed, and i pick my nail polish over you

sleeping beauty, peter pan, and the velveteen rabbit

i should be listening to this on vinyl

a moth landed on me tonight

i took it in my hand and as it walked over my

fingers i couldn't feel it's weight resting on me

unlike your heavy heart in my hand

are you just another accident along the lost highway of doubt and kisses

you hold me as i cry, take a shower, and turn your head away

you are always on my mind

and where as i can't kiss him if i'm thinking about the other

you are always in my mind

it's part of my desire for metal to fill my mouth

i get skinny, come back, get fat

stable suicide, worms, and it's your promise ring

i hate the way i sound

nothing is true

everything is permanent

dream me to kauai

will you come with me?

or do i need a corpse to make my crazy love true

can i pick again?

give me the right reason,

and i can promise myself all the safe returns you could wish for

i hate you, you fucking little bitch

all caught up in green spider webs of tea kettle houses and

lakes with mermaids

england, together, i could make art, and we'd have a library

and a cold little kitchen with a little back room

i mean back door

it was all planned and i never thought it would work

guess i knew more than i gave myself credit for

i'm more of a pussy now

no mornings filled with apocalypse and broken glass

i wish i had a crush on someone

i could try to love you,

but what's the point,

broken hearts, love letters, white lines

dead by dawn dead by dawn

they chant to me as i pass their eyes

bars of smoke, wooden spoons

you don't wanna see me

maybe i should have been mia

at least she was honest about being the mess she was

i've never been better than her

waiting to happen

god i hate myself.