i was born with a . . .

blankness covers all

my mother sent my a letter today

i'm listening to the prelude at the end

the end of what?

why does the thought scare me so much
incapable
for boys to love

is it because i feel incapable

please don't fall in love with her tonight

and you, knock it off already

but yes even now i'm starting to miss you

as the cold winter air crawls behind my eyes

and burrows in, to make my tears extra icy

to match my heart

if you go away. . .

goosebumps and all the boys i've kissed this year can't save me

am i so alone to be afraid

skip ahead to where it rains

and remember that fountain pouring over green fern leaves

wonder where you are tonight

especially like now when i need someone to hold me

i don't want to buy christmas gifts for anyone, be nice and look pretty

go fuck yourselves as i crawl into a dark hole

winter biting at my toes

i was so worried, thinking i wouldn't make it out of the cave

maybe you'll keep your promise

and i'll keep mine

scaring everyone off just the same

skip

back the the prelude

sometimes wishing i heard it for the first time, just now

no wait. . . . . .











































































now.

take all this love from my wild heart and

throw it out like rusted old ashes

i'm so tried of being this old face

with nothing new to say for it's self

i'm still cold. . .

. . . dancing next to you

humming hallelujah underneath my breath

i don't want you to see me crying

don't tease me with this ethereal belief of love

that no one really has for each other

sleep next to me and hold my hand

i'm pretending?

you tell me i've lost track

everything is slow at 80 miles down the road

i like when your going 100

and 15

20

watch as my head gets blow off

and i hate to think that you'll be a destained memory like may and june, and part of july

so far away from my lips i can't believe i let you touch me

tell me all your dirty secrets it wont change what i've done

i hope i live long enough that there is a bigger mistake than this

if you told me this was life a year ago,

what,

how,

why,

hallelujah

no not like that, i just have a new like for jeff buckley

and the inside of you arms

sh don't tell anyone

. . . it's a secret

your dad hates me

and everything comes rushing back to me

i worry that i'll never be good enough

and i worry i'll kill myself thinking that way

i hate when i fuck up the ending

and yea, i like closing time,

and i'm not talking about tom

and now i mean it

hallelujah

now.

bitterness consumes me as you pull my eyelids over my eyes

whispering sweet nothings thro my red veins

cherry cola hmmms to me as i go down for the long haul

wake up with your lips on my mouth telling me all about how you love me again

but your not the boy telling me

i love you

as he slides out

his face doesn't change from mask to mask

like yours or mine

your just nineteen, ready or not

tomorrow cover this grey with black

i wanna re write every beat poet in hell to be their muse

burn for me and my poison kiss

what are you gonna do without me for the rest of you little life

cough the night away

i know how to pretend when i'm next to you

lost when i'm alone, faking for yourself is so unbelievable

i wanna be the girl they all want

be skinny and pretty with nothing THAT important to say

we all grow old and die, so what are you waiting for

roll the dice and tell me how many kisses you want and where

i'll be your cherry cola, your sweet sixteen, your poison, your lost control

just drop the coin in the slot and i'll be the button you push

i hate men.

they are unless. i want nothing to do with them, unless i'm getting paid, or fucked.

my nipples are hard with the cold biting at them thro my stripy shirt. devotchka sings to me as i get sleepy over the thought of you getting off work.i haven't written since i met you, scared to curse the way we felt about each other, and to be truthful its made me a little rusty around the edges. i made you sick to your stomach this morning as my head and the wall were making love. speaking of, have you heard yet? i'm wondering if you like chocolate, and i wonder if the drummer was really looking at me. lovers come and go. i look back at these love/hate letters. little films of me crying, and i hope, just hope, i don't leave you in the trunk of memories too soon. i dreamt last night you were the antichrist and the night before that, that you still loved me wanted me and touched me. now my fingers are dry there's smoke in my lungs and it's about that time for ivy vs the little matchgirl.

stuck here, outta gas; i strip from driving to fast.