" but we can't go surfing cause it's 20 below "

do i miss something that you never gave me? brushing your hand against my back? showing me off? holding my hand? what if none of those things actually ever happened. i mean, i don't remember them happening. i thought i had it all figured out. i was thinking i didn't have to look in the shadows any more or peer underneath rocks. sure i don't want kids but the truth is : i did want to marry you. but that was a pipe dream and you're just a boy with an attic full of books.

" cause it's gone, daddy, gone, the love is gone away "

ACT IV

~ so have you told everyone?

/ what?

~ about us

/ most folks know we're not getting along. and i've told a few people yr moving out. if there is anything more 2 tell tell i don't think u've told me.

~ you were talking about moving on and getting over it

/ that's where i see this going but u don't get away without actually saying it. u feel it's all my fault but it is still not my choice. i want u 2 stay.

i just don't believe you will.

~ that's the first time you've said that.

/ that i want u 2 b wi me? u haven't been listening

~ it's hard to listen when what you say is followed by 'cunt'. it loses it's truth. you've never actually said it tho, just like how i haven't actually said it.

/ is this familiar fwd : I WANT YOU RIGHT NOW! I WANT U IN MY LIFE 4EVER but if u don't want that 2 then i want u never 2 have been born.

~ yes it is. i've written it down twice.

/ that was me saying: stay

~ hmmm. i didn't read stray ( stay) into that. but if that is what it says, does it sound inviting to you?

/ it's a trifle graceless what can i say i'm not in my best form lately.

hours pass, it's late at night

~ do you work box tomorrow?

morning light comes

/ nah. projection. i only work till 4

happy 8th!

~ um jett

/ hmmmm?

~ in person?

/ R u here?

~ no

/ so. . . .

~ what makes it real?

/ it's awful early 4 existentialism

~ you know what i'm talking about

/ i'm actually not totally sure and i'd like you to clarify what is 'it'

~ fwd: but you don't get away without saying it

/ i think yr a moose and i wanna have yr kitten?

~ i don't think you'd say that to me if i said it.

/ R u working up the courage 2 break up wi me? on th 8th? cause that would suck. u should wait till vallentine's but u wont be here. nevermind, u just shouldn't do it.

i drove over to the house and broke up with jett. he told me i was making a huge mistake. i told him maybe he could meet peter pan sometime.

02 08 08

Aries (12 Mar - 19 Apr)

It doesn't seem fair that you have to address an unpleasant situation again; once should be enough. Nevertheless, you cannot let go of your grievance if someone abuses a position of power. You are likely to fight for an underdog now, even if there's nothing in it for you. If you try to turn the situation into a personal gain, your efforts could backfire and do no one any good at all.

the way i feel about you on sunday night.

what was it you liked about me in the first place?

i know i wasn't your wendy then. picking up your emotional damage like dirty socks (?)

when i let you lower myself esteem so much that i thought it was something to do with me?

how did i second guess myself in your mirror. face twisted and overslept.

you avoid the question like the week old leftovers in the back of the frig.

you take no blame for how i feel. you say it's just that. but just because we can doesn't mean we should. or maybe its vis versa.

could you even get it up for her? did she remind you of me? was her skin soft, but not perfect? pants tight. mind aglow.

sometimes i can't believe i missed you.

you never tried before. why did i think this time was different.

what keeps you warm at night, _ _ _ _?

faded fantasies of the future? was it me once? is it still? which part of me?

wendy?

tinker bell?

peter pan?

oh that's right i almost forgot you haven't met the last one.

you tell me you never pretended not to be this selfish.

i think your better at lying than you really think you are.

i guess i felt like being tacky too.

ACT I

~ so are the rumors true?

/ i haven't hear the rumors

~ did you go to the strip club with out me?

/ ?

~ what i said

/ P and G went fri night. i wanted to 2 b up 4 it but i wasn't

~ so you didn't go in ABQ

/ i went to TD's 4 a beer n a lap dance when i dropped u off. u can't get in to TD's. i still want to go 2 fantasyworld with you n maybe B.

~ you creepy

time passes i didn't read the lapdance bit at first. then when i did i couldn't hold off any longer.

~ wait you got a lapdance too

/ sigh. shall we compare indiscretions

~ are you longing for a fight?

/ i didn't start this

~ tonight or in general?

/ pretty much

~ ?

/ i'm an innocent bystander here 2night

~ do you believe yourself?

/ here i was minding my own

~ sorry i won't bother you any more

/ u can be like that but wasn't me looking 2 fight or calling names

~ i just think it's a little tacky that you dropped me off at the airport and then got a lapdance.

/ that's exactly the point. i did it to 2 be tacky. i was having a laugh @ m'self and excuse me if u and th self righteous busy bodies don't find me funny.

~ are you going to be there tomorrow?

/ i may be in and out

~ i hope the rest of your secrets keep you warm

/ kisses 2 u 2

~ do you think it's working?

/ please clarify 'it'

~ the tough guy act

/ tough guys can cry

~ it's transparent. maybe i'm wrong maybe it's all you ever wished for

/ i don't think so. in my fantasies yr nice to me

~ you should have tried harder. when did you start to think i looked good on the back burner?

/ was that a nice way of saying yr full of it?

~ you full of it, yes.

time lingers

~ cat got your tongue?

/ yr too damn angry. i'm not as guilty as you are angry. and i said i was sorry anyway

~ having to beg for it for nine months. hmmm yea it makes me angry. and i said i was sorry anyway? sorry for making me feel like a slut anytime i got any?

ACT II

/ there is no one in there world that is anything like me. u r my very favorite person but i will forget u exist b 4 i let myself feel less than special b/c of u.

~ you treated me like fucking dirt. i should have left before you made me forget how special i was

/ i never treated you like dirt. u don't know dirt. keep digging y'll find it. u don't seem to understand :
NEWNESS ALWAYS FADES

~ you helped a lot i wish you hadn't

/ you got it exactly backwards, chief. it's not me saying i was a prince instead of a toad. i just won't lay down and let you u make everything my fault

~ it's not all your fault. i should have never let you make me feel this way

/ i didn't 'make' you feel anyway yr in a very unstable condition i think due 2 a combination of factors and yr reacting with out trying to find your center

~ J, my center is that i'm 19 i should be having as much sex as i want.
i was trying to explain that you didn't me feel anything. when you didn't want me i shouldn't have thought it was my fault.

/ i've not attempted 2 stop u; so quit going crazy on me. u could be having sex w/ me instead of yelling @ me.
i never did not want u, u daft cunt.
i I WANT YOU RIGHT NOW! I WANT U IN MY LIFE 4EVER but if u don't want that 2 then i want u never 2 have been born.

hours pass

~ i'm not looking for something new i'm looking for myself.

/ i hope u find u. i knew you once and u were so sweet.

~ i still am.

/ how would u know? u don't know where u left u

~ excuse me?

/ yeah so much 4 my sense of humor

ACT III

the rest of act three is missing, i wish it wasn't.

i can always par a phrase tho. . .

there was talk of wishing to have snow filled walks. talking to the great sprit. realizing he'd lose the fight before he started fighting. i asked if he meant fighting for me or with me. he said that once he realized he should have held me tighter i was already gone. he went on to say that the past five years were lost, not one memory untainted. that the future was clear and empty. i wanted to let him that i was leaving him and i even i didn't feel that fatalistic about it; but i didn't.

/ i know, i drove u off by not loving u right. that doesn't make me feel any better about losing you somehow

ACT IV

~ so you shaved your head

/ no, i got P to do it for me

~ o i c

time passed

~ could you pick on word to describe your feelings for me?

/ easy: love

(boys never ask you things back)

~ that's not what you would have said a few days ago, i feel

/ i think you u under estimate th scope of that word for me. it's a lot like 'fuck'; it encompasses th highest and lowest feelings. sometimes both at once.

~ which end at the moment? or in the middle

/ @ the moment i'm clam again. i'm not happy @ th place we have come to. and contrary 2 what u might have gotten from previous txts, i don't only blame you.

~ it makes me sad that you shaved your head. lapdance + head shaving feel like ultimate fuck you serena.

/ i haven't thought about life expect wi u in a very long time. frankly, it's an ugly, vile prospect 2 me.
i don't want 2 have 2 try again 2 love someone else and fail again because i always will. so, we all have something 2 feel bad about.

~ i feel like people fail to love me the right way in the long run.

/ i think that can b true, if u believe it. u think i'm full of shit but i strongly believe we'll end up in th world me make 4 ourselves

( what does that mean for you, J ? )

~ no i agree with you. that's why i have to change the world i'm living in. i've never had such low self esteem as i have recently. if you and i are might (meant) to be it
will happen. but i'm not going to sit around hating myself waiting for us not to be broken.

/ i feel like i'm @ th end of th world. th anger i have towards u is useless and stupid but i hung everything good on th line between u and i and when it snapped
it left me with nothing nice inside
i feel dead above th stomach and everything underneath is just shit.
anyway i try 2 frame it bends across as purest melodrama, but it's a really bad way 2 feel.
guess we're done talking about feelings 4 now. but i want u 2 know th hair wasn't only 4 u. it's a sign on my head saying
' i'm hurt n i'm pissed so u should back th fuck up'. it works too. i've only gotten negative reactions so far which is great by me.

~ good for you.

time passes, just a little bit.

~ i re read what you wrote to me. it's similar to the way i've felt for months now.

/ yeah. i guess fair is fair.

~ i'm not trying to be nasty i'm trying to explain how i've felt the part (past) few months

/ i know. i miss u like a limb. th only thing worse is thinking about getting over it n moving on. i hate th world

~ who knows that act IV will bring

/ surely not i. i should learn 2 interpret th tarot.

"mix tape"

A



R E S P E C T - Aretha Franklin and the Blues Brothers

B



You'll lose a good thing - Barbara Lynn

A new england - Billy Bragg

One of us must know (sooner or later) - Bob Dylan

(Gimmie brains- Bratmobile)

Early in the morning - Buddy Holly

Ever fallen in love? - Buzzcocks

C



Hooded - Causal Dots

Should i stay or should i go? - The Clash

Destination: anywhere - Commitments

Bye bye baby- Commitments

Pictures of you - The Cure

D



Such a lovely thing - DeVotchKa

Don't need you anymore - The Drags

Good day - Dresden Dolls

F

snatch it and grab it - Freddie Hart

G

My way - Gary Oldman

H

You're breakin' my heart - Harry Nilsson

J



Tear stained letter- Johnny Cash

Cry! Cry! Cry! - Johnny Cash

Love will tear us apart - Joy Division

K



All the these things i've done - The Killers

L



Slide - L7

The stranger song - Leonard Cohen

You don't own me - Lesley Gore

M



Where eagles dare - The Mifits

N



Boots are made for walking - Nancy Sinatra

Excuse me Mr. - No Doubt

P



Crazy - Patsy Cline

As tears go by - Psychic TV

R



15 Steps - Radiohead

Here today, Gone tomorrow - The Ramones

(Play with fire - The Rolling stones)

S



What difference does it make? - The Smiths

V



Breakin' up - Violent Femmes

W



Hot dog! that made him mad - Wanda Jackson

Tired of sex- Weezer

" i've never liked february first this much "

i flip the book open

13
Punishment


" he can take me for granted, and i'll just take him."


the book snaps shut in my tight fist.


ARIES (March 21-April 19): The Onion newspaper reported on a South Carolina man who was so grateful for what God had done in the previous week that he put an extra $5 in the collection plate at church on Sunday. Brad Thaden was especially pleased with the nice weather and how well his kids had behaved. I expect that by February 18, Aries, you too might feel the urge to give Supreme Being a tip, or do whatever the equivalent might be in your world. Among the extra perks you could be blessed with: a deeper connection with a resource you’ve wanted to be closer to; the heating up of a promising alliance; a social upgrade that will make you feel more at home in the world; and a vision of where to go next with your ambitions.


" anyone who doesn't want to kiss you ever time they look at you is a fucking fool"

beirut cracks on the record player, it's snowing outside. goose bumps are forming over my forearms and it's all your fault.

i keep thinking of ramona flowers pulling scott down thro that dark panel, into the light.

he misplaced the key, and he hasn't even started looking.

it's strange to think that you can find out that no one, including yourself, is as special as you thought they were and in that thought never been so relived in your life.

my nails clack against the keys, i tap my foot, pretending i'm playing taps in the graveyard, just before dawn.

i read this book when i was a little kid. it had a sawn in it that could play the trumpet and he was in love with this lady sawn, who happened to have the name serena. now if your name is allison, or lucy, or beth, this is charming but lets face it, it has happened at least once before. but it NEVER happened to me. every time someone in class would say the swan's name, serena, while reading; my mouth would slip out a little smile.